Saturday, April 14, 2007

Dearest God,

Today was a "black hole" day. Everything I put my hand to didn't work. I tried writing my letter, then lost it. I tried again, my computer slow, gummy. Finally, I was able to publish it. I tried changing my airline flight, but spent nearly two hours on and off the phone with Expedia. Still didn't work. Now I hve to call the airline directly. "Don't call today, too many calls coming through." She told me. "Call Sunday morning." "I'll be in church." I responded back. That's still hanging. I tried to clear my desk, but too many things need my attention. I tried online banking, but my computer wouldn't work. I tried going over a long list of "to do's" before my husband leaves. I spent an hour explaining how the airline thing works. We were both frustrated. Later I tried talking about trips to Maine, who, when, where and how many trips. Another hour passed and nothing accomplished. I washed a load of laundry only to discover my husband had washed oily rags with good towels. A ring of oily gunk encircled the inside of the washer. I had to clean it out, then wash the white clothes I had just washed. Don't want to walk around smelling like lemon oil. I did get the oil changed in the car. Then my computer announced to me, "physical memory dumping", followed by "physical memory dumping completed." Crisis! My retreat, 85 creative pages, locked away. More frustration. I got hold of my techie who will work on it Monday morning at 5 a.m. I did work on my sermon.

A couple times I got angry. Frustration more than anything. I could see the hours ticking away. So I cried, released some tears. I just felt I was in a black hole all day. Couldn't grab for the light. Felt badly.

I write this, looking back. I had had two and a half beautiful days living in the light, witnessing the "Light of the World." Conversing, trusting, sharing, so much light, then I dropped off the dark edge. Sometimes this happens after a valuable spiritual experience. The darkness jealous of the light. Conflict in the soul.

One thing for sure. I held on to the thread of prayer. "Dear God, help me." I cried out. I refused to let go even in the midst of outbursts, confusion, paralysis. No one at fault, just a black hole experience.

Modern conveniences sometimes become gummed up, making life a little more fitful. The trick is to trust all day long. Reaching out to you, again and again brings to my mind a great need to walk with you daily, to not give up on the relationship when craziness occurs. I need to hold on to your hand even when life gets messy. In fact that's when the true test comes. Can I trust you in the midst of the chaos?

I would give myself a D for the day. I didn't lean as well as usual. I was tired. The best part now is knowing that black hole days do not have the final say. Even in the midst of the darkest day, the light does still shine, even if you can't see it. And God, well, you were always present even when I couldn't see you.

Ever-challenging God,
my life without you
holds no purpose.
Blackness may frustrate me,
the darkness
sucking the light
right out of me.
But you do not let go,
like an umbilical cord
holding a baby
to its mother.
You hand on tight
while I feel my strength slipping.
May my trust grow
when my strength weakens,
I pray.

Love, Andrea