Sunday, July 8, 2007

Dearest God,

Lord, I can get really grouchy! My husband mentioned several times that he wanted the trim finished in the hallway. Now what that means is that he wanted me to take charge of the task (that means do it myself). We both have differing talents and mine is prep and paint. He wanted the hallway finished so it would look good for company.

After our children left yesterday, I tackled it! The worst of the woodwork here at our old home! Harold washed it down with strong ammonia water and I must have repaired more than 200 cracks, holes, and problem areas. Then I had to sand and sand and sand. I created a real dust storm and I'm sure I'm carrying some of it in my lungs.

Then I began the priming process. When I came back in May to work on one of the bedrooms, I had asked Harold to get all my supplies ahead of time so I could get right to work when I arrived. He had forgotten the Benjamin Moore primer so he went to Ace. When I began priming today I remembered the May incident. This primer is the most toxic, smelly, watery, crummy paint I have ever had to work with. It really affects me. I get a headache, sick stomach, burning eyes when I use it. Periodically I have to step outdoors to get fresh air even though I have all the windows open.

I'm dying of fumes upstairs!!! And since I am an early morning riser, I get tired in the early evening. Couple the fumes with tiredness and you get potential for an uprising. When Harold called me from downstairs to tell me he had closed all the windows because it was getting cold, my grouchiness kicked in. "Closed all the windows??? I'm dying of fumes and you closed all the windows???" I cried from my perch upstairs. "Just the downstairs ones." He responded back. He had already put the windows down upstairs because he was worried about rain. I had opened a couple of them back up while I was working.

Well, let's just say I wasn't very nice. Let's just say I was troubled. Let's just say I could've killed, well not really, but there was real potential. Let's just say I gave in to my lower self. I hate it when I do that.

Lord, do you see everything? Do you know when a bout will occur? Are you cognizant of what is going to happen before it happens? Can you see the inner struggle between self will and self control? Do you know when a situation will blow? And if you do what can be done to allow the pressure cooker to cool down before the hot steam erupts?

My desire has always been to be faithful to you at all costs. I want to live life faithfully, living out my vow to follow you, to love and serve you. I want my whole being to be faith filled. But at times I struggle, really struggle with being faithful to my promise. When my attitude goes sour and my behavior turns poor, I know I have broken my vow. I am sad, disappointed. Yet, I act the same way over and over again, failing to overcome, to conquer my own thoughts, attitudes and behaviors. I drop to my knees before you, my head down in shame.

I know frustration is part of life. And I know we don't get everything we want when we want it. I know sometimes life is difficult; yet, when in this earthly life are we able to achieve a walk with you unencumbered with failings and disappointments? I'm not talking perfection here; I'm talking about trust.

I come to grace
when I fail,
O Lord
and you meet me there.
I know my own sin
and I know your salvation.
The gap in between
is grace and mercy.
Not that I deserve it;
I do not.
But the free gift
rocks me
at my core.
I walk away free
from the canceled sin,
even knowing
that I will soon
fall prey again.
Help me,
dearest God,
I pray.

Love, Andrea