Thursday, October 11, 2007

My dearest God,

I carried a heavy heart today. As the family went downstairs to the hospital cafeteria, I bid them goodbye and started walking down the corridor when I heard a sound, a piano playing. Drawn back into the waiting room I sat down, closed my eyes and began to quietly sing along. "My Jesus, My Savior, Lord there is none like You..."

I've been visiting St. Vincent's Hospital for more than 20 years. I have never heard the piano play before. As I hummed and sang, I remembered sitting in the great cathedral in Kumasi, West Ghana when a young adult choir began to sing this song.

I recalled to mind how I stood as one of the 5,000 member choir and sang the same song at a Billy Graham crusade. Watching an ailing Billy Graham being lifted up the elevator and helped to stand to preach the gospel, tears formed in my eyes as I reflected upon the great song of Darlene Zschech that continues..."Shout to the Lord all the earth, let us sing, power and majesty, praise to the King. Mountains bow down and the seas will roar at the sound of Your name. I sing for joy..."

I stepped over to the piano as the pianist finished playing the song. "Thank you for your song. I needed it." The young Asian woman blushed and lowered her head as I sang her praise and yours.

I continued humming the tune as I drove to Panera Bread to meet a woman who wanted to talk with me. "How can I find God, Andy?" She asked me. "I want God back in my heart." We sat and talked for two hours, all the whys and wherefores of faith. "A little at a time. Keep watch. Stop, look around, listen for God." I told her. "Mountaintop experiences are wonderful but they only keep you for a while. It's in the daily ordinariness of life that God is most revealed. Look for Him." When we parted, I saw peace in her eyes.

I was weary by day's end. I had seen your face at least twice, heard your voice more. But my heart became heavier as I received sad news. Yet it did not bottom out because I felt your hand, the net of love catch my heart as it continued to fall. And I rose with it reminding our group and myself that we are spiritual leaders called to a higher level of living, that we will be called upon to lead as models for our congregation. I knew the source of my words and felt the beautiful calm that you bring in the midst of dark clouds although my heart was sad.

As I walked down the hall to exit the church building, I heard music in the upper room. Drawn as I was earlier this morning I climbed the steps and opened the door. Rene was tuning his guitar. I simply entered and asked, "Rene, sing me a song." "What kind of song?" He replied. "A song of hope." I answered. He finished tuning the guitar and I sat down.

The moment he began strumming the guitar, I closed my eyes once again to see your face. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind but now I see." All the verses, he sang all the verses as holy, vulnerable tears spilled from my eyes. As he ended the song, I simply stood, walked over to him, and hugged him. "Perfect." I said. "It was the perfect song." Then I left.

At day's end I walked into my husband's arms as the gentle tears fell. A disappointment. A loss. A sadness.

But as I climbed into bed I knew the strength in my own soul, a resolve to be faithful, a peace that comes from faith living itself out into the world. I knew that the storms that come will be stilled at the appropriate time by the Great and Holy One, you yourself. I closed my eyes in the assurance of faith.

Great God,
praise is permanently etched
upon my heart
for you.
Never to be worn
by the seasons of time
or torment,
I shall always
sing your praise.
Faith is not faith
if not realized
in the time of trial.
I rest secure
in your loving, cradling arms.
I am yours,
a minister
of the Gospel,
a servant of Christ,
a child of God.

Love always, Andrea