Monday, December 17, 2007

My dearest God,

Ten years ago today I sat in a waiting room at a surgeon's office. My husband and daughter were with me. I had had a biopsy a few days before and we were waiting for news from the pathology report. The weekend had been very long, my two biopsy sites very painful.

When the surgeon entered the room, he had a Korean student with him. Odd, neither would make eye contact with me. My surgeon introduced himself to my daughter since he had already met Harold and me. When Jenni told him she was living in France, he spent the next five minutes talking about France. The student was quiet, looking away. My fear grew. I knew I had cancer. Finally the surgeon told me I had two kinds of breast cancer and that I would need surgery as quickly as possible. My husband fell back against the bed. Tears formed in my Jenni's eyes. I asked questions.

The day was a strange one. I had to tell my news to those who loved me. The other pastor who served the church with Harold and me came over to pray. My youngest daughter met me at the door. She sobbed in my arms. I met a friend in the driveway. I called my covenant group. Time did funny things that day. I felt myself stepping inside a new world, one I had never known before.

I walked through my home. It was December 17. Everything was decorated for Christmas. I was supposed to be excited, happy for the season. But something different was happening to me. I didn't quite know what it was. I was scared, very scared. Yet I felt myself entering a new space, one that was wide open, inviting me in.

That date ten years ago redefined my life. It was a historical reality, one that I would begin to point back to, again and again. That evening my husband suggested that I begin writing in a journal, sharing my experiences, thoughts, prayers, fears, questions, doubts. Someone went out and bought me one. I wrote my first entry that day. "You have two kinds of cancer..."

That day you were more real to me than I had ever known you. Yes, you and I had walked together, experienced a great deal on many occasions. But never had I felt so incredibly close. You and I would walk through a number of trials after that day. In my personal life, my marriage, my family, my health, my ministry. No part of my life remained unscathed. I was being made into a new person.

When I climbed into bed that night, I wasn't certain I would awaken the next morning. I was both grippped with fear and tantalized by an ongoing feeling that something would change. I fell asleep in two sets of arms, my husband's and yours.

You have held me,
close, so close.
You have whispered
comfort to my weary soul.
You have poured out your love
again and again.
You have promised
to be with me,
every day, every moment,
every milisecond.
You have been my God
because I have been your child.
You have changed my life.
And I, well,
I have loved you for it.
I shall always be filled
with gratitude
and praise.

Loving you always, Andrea