Thursday, February 21, 2008

Dear God,

"A giant cavern filled with light!" I answered his question when he asked, "What did you see when your bitterness left?

I could not have imagined that my dark, ugly bitterness could be so great, so big until I let it go, released it to the air, surrendered its large tentacles that held my heart at bay. How could such a thing grow inside me? Years of fear.

Just days ago I learned some things that caused my fear to grow again. I became stubborn, drawing a line, making demands. I felt myself renewing my ability to think unkindly thoughts, putting things in place that would protect me from more hurt and rejection. I could hear the hissing sound of evil taking root within me. I was troubled.

It was one of my spiritual questioners who queried me about my bitterness when I told him I was facing two challenges. I asked for help. During our covenant group he questioned me, leaving me wide open to share my vulnerable places. In the course of the hour I found my way "home". I realized what I was truly facing.

"What are you afraid of?" He spoke like a loving father. "Oh, I see." I confessed. I suddenly remembered the biblical story of the woman who mustered up the courage to sweep away all the demons from her house. The trouble was that she didn't replace those demons. Eventually her empty home became filled once again.

How had I filled my cavern? And with what? I thought to myself. I smiled, actually laughed. I remembered. Sitting there on the cold, wind-swept mountain in November, beside the flowing river, wrapped from head to toe in warm layered clothing, I had swept away old beliefs, replacing them with new ones. Courage. Knowledge. Wisdom. Faith. Obedience. Love from you and love for myself. These welcome friends had become part of my new life. I had invited them in, asked them to fill my empty cracks, to stay for a long time, to accompany me on my journey through life.

I had nothing to fear. My new belief system was in place. The reason I felt my dis-ease was because my attitudes and actions had bumped into my new belief system. Inconsistent with the way I was carrying myself, I felt the rippling effect of fear based on old assumptions. I could let them go, release them because try as hard as they might, they couldn't take root in the soil of divine love, strength and joy. They simply dissipated when I said no.

I invited my husband for dinner. I shared my insights, my reflections. I made my confession of unfounded fears. I felt so free, so alive, like Julie Andrews dancing on top of a mountain in Austria singing, "The hills are alive with the sound of music with songs they have sung for a thousand years...My heart wants to sing every song it hears...My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds that fly from the lake to the trees..."

My heart soars
every time
I turn
to you.
I want to
sing and dance
to the tunes
of your grace.
I am free,
so truly free
as I listen
to your voice
and follow
your gentle way.
I let go
of my heavy burdens;
my load lightened,
I am free
to fly
upon the wind
of your spirit.

Loving you always, Andrea