Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Dearest God,

Laughing in the face of fear?

How many times have I colored a green "goblin" and then gave it power over my body, mind and soul, so much so that I was paralyzed by the grotesque, frightening giant? Oh, so many times.

What is self-made fear that we give it so much power? Whose message first told me to be afraid? And why did I believe it?

As a desert dweller, I am learning the truth about myself and my comrades. More than once this Lenten season I have been pricked by cactus needles. Scrapes and scratches have revealed the truth beneath my skin. I hold onto fear.

And what am I afraid of? Being rejected? Falling from the sky? A prowler getting me? Unfounded fears with powers of their own sometimes plague me.

But tonight as I considered my personal fears, I laughed in their face. I nearly became hysterical because it was so absurd. The laughter seemed to clear out a few cobwebs that had formed over my fears keeping them covered so they could continually hide in my soul. As the webs fell at my feet, I could see them, revealed for the first time. Slimy, gray green globs. And I give these little fellas power?

My circle of grace understands. They know me, at least some level of me. They know I have fears. They told me they do too. And instead of being afraid, tonight we laughed at our fears, together.

Do you ever wonder why
we create fear
that prowls around
inside our soul?
Do you ever wonder why
we hang on
to the little bit of nothing
when you are offering
a lot of eternal something?
Only you know,
really know,
Great and Wondrous God.
In the face
of this knowledge,
I fall at your feet,
embarrassed, ashamed,
feeling foolish and child-like.
I'm packing up my fears,
sending them on their way,
replacing them
with trust.
I can't do this alone.
I really need your help.
I've been holdin' on
for a long, long time.
Lettin' go,
that's what
I want to do.
Holding your hand.

Love, Andrea