Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Dear God,

I have come to the conclusion that it is possible to be living and dying at the same time. There are parts of my life that are coming under the knife, unkind thoughts, fears, insensitivities, doubts. But there are also signs of life...new birth in sharing spiritual experiences, opening up to deeper avenues of faith, trusting you more and more.

Trusting you to release those things in me that are extraneous, unnecessary, burdensome at the same time being open to the new coming to life...the process can be stressful and/or life giving. Stepping onto paths that I've never traveled, yet feel the pull of the spirit are allowing me to travel light, recognizing new truths, insights and revelation.

Keeping the balance during this time is where my trust in you really comes. If I die too much too quickly, I can feel as though I am truly dying. I could become too preoccupied with death. On the other hand, as I give myself more and more to new birth, I might feel as if I am giving away too much of my self, the self who has lived within me for a long, long time. Placing my feet on the solid ground of faith, while reaching for the spirit is insurance that I will make it through this process with my eyes wide open, watching change occur without fear, and feeling an inner joy that the process is one of spiritual photosynthesis.

Each day that goes by I recognize this interactive relationship I have with you. It is not just believing in a set doctrine, nor is it just an understanding of being a Christian. It is more, so much more. It is a daily livingness, of seeking and finding, of letting go and grabbing hold. It is the sacred, the sacramental union of moving with and inside the spirit, releasing myself to you, to trust in you so much that I am willing to bob on the living water, without a sense of needing to control the way I bob. In fact I put my arms outward to the side, no way trying to protect myself because I intuitively know the water is safe, although not totally known.

I breathe in and out, breathe in trust, breathe out untrust, breathe in light, breathe out darkness, breathe in faith, breathe out fear. You and I.

What wondrous lessons
I learn
at your feet.
I first learn
that I am
in your presence,
not you in mine.
That way
the focus
is on you,
not me.
I learn
that I am always riding
on the waves
of faith,
not on conditional beliefs
I have adopted
for myself.
I learn
that you really
want me
to so deeply trust you
that I will
not allow
unknown buoys
to frighten me.
I learn
that I am not alone
in this forever changing environment.
I am with you
and there are others
around me
bobbing in the waters
along side.
I didn't know
when I came
into this world
all that I would learn
about living daily
with you.

Aaahhh, Andrea