Thursday, August 14, 2008

Dear God,

Someone asked me in earnest how to face fear in a medical crisis. I returned to the mountain where you activated a plan to help me. As I told her step by step what I did, I heard my own words aloud and I decided to put them on "paper" before you as a way of expressing my gratitude and remembering the next time a medical emergency or a potential one comes along.

First, I know I have a choice. I can live in fear, thus exacerbating the situation or I can reach for peace. Second, with your grace I can immediately put the plan into effect helping myself.

I spiritual cocoon. I draw a circle of trust, a very small circle of trust and I climb inside. Everyone and everything else is on the outside. I begin to breathe in a pattern of regular breaths, thereby focusing on my breathing, bringing some calm to my soul. I breathe in light, pushing darkness aside. I open my mind to you, my trusting friend, and I sit at your feet. I listen for your voice.

Inside my well protected cocoon, I hear your voice speaking or singing or whispering to me. Cradled in your arms I hear and am comforted. Often it is a phrase of a song or words, like the time you sang to me a verse from His Eye is on the Sparrow and you kept whispering to me, "You are my little sparrow. You are my little sparrow." The image of being a sparrow in your hands protected from danger brings such a release from fear. I begin giving more and more of myself to you. Nothing is more important at that moment. As I live in the crisis waiting for it to pass or am on the way for help (driven by others), I am enabled to completely and utterly give myself to you by saying and really meaning, "I am yours, Lord, I am yours. Do with me what you will." Inside my cocoon, I am warm, comfortable, secure. I feel loved, cared for, protected.

Sometimes I join in the singing. I sing with you the phrase or verse you give me. I repeat your words over and over until the words become part of me. Inside the cocoon you and I and the song are one. We are part and parcel of one another.

As I shared my own story of how I live in the middle of a crisis, I realized the image of a cocoon is one where transformation takes place. A caterpillar becomes a butterfly. A helpless, fearful human creature becomes trusting, courageous, filled with faith. And I am very aware, very aware that the ability to cocoon, to trust, to faith as a verb comes from you. Otherwise, I would be left to my own devices which would only leave me in a more perilous situation.

As I come out of the crisis and I realize some day I may not, I am left with gratitude as I fly from my cocoon. I offer my praises all day long because I have felt not only your breath and hand and voice, I have discovered more strength in myself. I offer you my devotion out of that strength and know that my only choice is to turn to you...again and again and again and...

God,
most holy,
most wonderful
and gracious,
I am partof you.
I do not exist
as a separate creature.
I am partof you.
You have made me
this way
as you have
every other creature
on the planet.
You took
a partof yourself
and youcreated me.
In times
of difficulty
I return
your portion
to you
in trust
and you strengthen me.
You give me
a double portion
and you allow me
to become one
with you.
Help me,
O Lord,
to always
turn to you.
To live
every day
in your love
and light.
To faith
and trust
and remember
and release myself
to you.
You will always
have my heart.
It is yours.

Love, Andrea