Monday, December 18, 2006

Dear God,

I have longed to see the Christ during the Advent season. I have listened for his voice. I have looked into the skies waiting for the sign, the star crying out, "this way, this way, over here." I suddenly realized this morning that Christmas has already visited me. I have heard the distant cry of the babe in a manger. I have witnessed the shepherds running. I have seen the wise ones making their way to the Savior, the Messiah. I have seen the faithful gathering, one, then many to the stable, home to God. I have stood by the crib. I have known the Savior. I have fallen to my knees in front of him, daring not to look into his eyes, too holy an endeavor. My seeking is over. My longing fulfilled.

God has visited me so many times. I have seen his face, felt his presence. Known his healing, his love, reconciliation, forgiveness, grace. I have stood in the heavenly realm, known the secrets of the universe. Emmanuel is not some distant, uncaring God. God is indeed with us.

Written two letters to ones who possibly could not heal without them, one an apology, another the beginning of something God is creating. I have heard from my child, 12 long years. We write, not much, but a little. Been with my daughters in the death of their stepmother. Done her memorial service. I carried her home with me last night. I will dance, sprinkling her ashes in the sacred breezes of God's love in Maine. I have purchased gifts without frenzy or overspending. I have greeted people with Christmas, strangers all around me. I offered a frightened woman a cup of water for anxiety medicine on the plane. I've been rocked in the skies. I have entered heaven at least three times in chance encounters, visitations of the Spirit. The music has entered my soul and I danced this morning in the dimly lighted morning.

The mysteries, the Divine Mystery does not come magically on a day, the 25th of December. God calls, visits, speaks daily. Hearts open, open hearts will eventually know. Ears will hear. Eyes will see. Why would God come only once a year?

There doesn't have to be snow for Christmas to get us in the mood. God is doing that, calling us by name, one by one, a gentle voice of love, "My child, my child, my precious child, come..." Several dear ones have joined God this Advent season...Jane, Nellie, Irv, Ruth, Ann. Couldn't wait for Christmas, wanted to join God early. Knew the secret. Bill will make his way soon.

The rest of us walk slowly down the path created just for us. We too can see the not-too-distant star; we move toward it. It's not just one day, a morning, an afternoon, an evening and night. It is all the time. Wanting it means gaining it, waiting, walking, listening, following. Stars, angel cries, love carriers, light bearers, the beautiful Word of God, call out constantly.

My uncluttering, an idea of God, has brought me the peace I sought. Ridding myself of unwanted debris during Advent has opened my own pathway to God. Not getting caught up in extraneous, unnecessary activities, worries, anxieties has kept me open, pliable, flexible, willing, desirous, aware. And God, this glory is more sweet than anything I know.

It won't be the presents around the tree that will make my heart sing. I won't suffer the pain of disappointment of who is here and who is not. I won't be sad because the ground is green and the sun is shining. I won't be worn out from shopping, baking, wrapping. I'll be gently tired because I will have walked the sacred walk, finding what I sought. The gifts of Christ will be all around me.

My daughters, I can't begin to speak of their experience during this season. My youngest at the bedside of her best friend, her stepmother. Giving witness to faith, reading Psalm 31, leading Ann home, the woman whose life and faith lead my daughter to take steps toward her own healing. Saved from addiction. She has visited the manger too. And my middle, her heart open to a person of her past, always coming up short, a new door opening a crack, perhaps healing. And Bill, maybe a new chapter in his own life if he is willing to step into it. The possibilities are enormous. And my beloved Harold kissed by God, angels winging their way into his own heart, establishing Christmas firmly.

Christmas has already come! Christ is here.

My heart overflows
with adoring praise.
I am empty;
I am full.
I am joy.
Peace.
Gratitude,
gratitude fills my soul
with love for you,
my Saving God.
Union.

Love always and forever, Andrea