Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Dearest God,

A few weeks ago I received a call from a female pastor asking to interview me about women in ministry. She is authoring a book and she wanted to query me about my experience as a pastor. Yesterday I met her for lunch at Safeco Insurance Company.

Notosha is African American, a wife, mother, and worker at Safeco. Her husband is a self-proclaimed minister and she felt her own calling several years ago. Immersed in her Baptist Church since birth, she is struggling. Unrecognized as a "full" pastor, she is not permitted to preach or speak. She is not given opportunities to teach, children yes, adults no.

She asked me questions about my own conflicts as a female in ministry. The first female senior pastor at our 175 year old church has had its share of difficulties, I told her. I shared the moment I felt battered by three male members of our church, one attacking, then handing off the baton to the next, then the next and so on until 45 minutes later when the District Superintendent stopped them. This event is so firmly etched in my mind, not because of the battering but because of what was happening in the front pew where I was sitting. I had positioned myself in the first pew of the sanctuary for the meeting. Not sure why. It's not important.

I knew there was discontent with me among some members because I had been open to say that I used three measuring rods for leadership in the church. First, worship attendance. Why would I ask someone to serve as a leader if he/she does not come to church on a regular basis? Secondly, participation in church activities. Does she/he attend Sunday School? Do they participate in all-church events? Is the person a positive influence in the church? Thirdly, financial giving. Why would I invite a person to be a leader if they do not give a pledge to the church and give on a regular basis? A leader will be voting on church budgets for important ministry. If a person does not give or gives niggardly for whatever reason, how can that person vote for ministry needs? Now, I understand there are some who cannot give much because of health, fixed income, or special needs. I always make allowances. But the fact remains, "where your heart is, there will your treasure be." If a person is giving more for their own entertainment than they are to God's work in the world, then perhaps they are not ready for leadership in the church. I knew this could be controversial; but I wanted to be open and upright about my own leadership style and standards in the church. These men worked to beat me down. But an amazing thing happened.

I felt pretty alone in the front pew. After all, I was new, just a few months in ministry there. Silently, I was praying, pleading really. And suddenly I felt squished! I was sitting at the end of the pew so I could feel the hard wood on my left side. But the other side of me felt like 25 people pushing against me from the top of my head to my feet. I couldn't figure it out. A couple times I tried shifting in my seat, but I could hardly move. Strange! Yet, I felt such a calming peace. The sound of voices berating me was behind me, but the sweetest presence was with me. I finally became aware that God's own self was in the pew with me, so close to me, I couldn't move.

I felt loved in the front pew of God's church. And although there were those who accused me of some diabolical scheming (might be a little harsh) God was keeping me company, assuring me of a plan for our future. I held on to God. Others never noticed that someone was sitting with me.

We had a lot of hard days. But God was surely with us. I don't think it was so much that I was a woman as much as it was that I was very different than the pastor before me. And we had some things in our church life that needed addressing.

When a female enters the scene for the first time on a job, she has a great responsibility to all the women who will follow her. If a woman leader falls apart at the first sign of trouble, she may as well pack up and go home. Collapsing into tears will only lead toward worse troubles.

I can honestly say that I hold no animosity toward the three men in the pew. I am sure they were speaking from their heart. (I wonder where it was made. Sorry, God!) They too wanted what was best for the church. Or maybe they are mean spirited on some level. Who knows? What I do know is that day was a defining moment for me. I would either stand with God, learn from the situation, take away what was good, and leave behind the bad or I would fall, capitulate, and blow with the wind whenever someone didn't like something. I would never be able to lead, just try to change something for this one, angering someone else, and on, and on, and on.

Being a female pastor is like being a male one, we each have to live in the light of God when it is given. We have to acknowledge that God's will is greater than our own. We have to confess our ignorance and bent attitudes, our failures, arrogance and pride. We have to rely on God to lead us so we can lead others. We have to depend on God for grace, be willing to receive it, then offer it to others. Grace is always recycled. It never ends with me. We have to work with the blessed beloved of the church, recognizing they have been called as leaders too. They are both sinner and saint like me.

We hugged as Notosha left the table. She's in a hot spot. She's discouraged, but not downtrodden. She knows the Source of joy. She'll send me the rest of the questions by e-mail.

On a day like yesterday I have to take a new look at ministry, at what God wants of us, and how God desires to guide us toward the future. Sometimes we try to go around God, get ahead of the pack, zoom off. But eventually we end up in the muddy puddle with a broken spoke. And God catches up with us, stands with hands on hips, and says, "You ready to get out of the mud? Here, let me help you."

You are our Great Guide.
We are lost,
helplessly, hopelessly
lost at times.
We go round in circles,
or fall off precipices,
hanging by a fingernail
dug in the dirt.
We are called by you,
not the other way around.
Our listening skills are honed
as we sit at your feet.
I remember,
recall,
recollect
all those times
you've rescued me,
turned me around,
sent me in the right direction.
I don't know why
you called me specifically.
I just know that you have.
And my heart is full of love
for you.
Keep sitting beside me.
NO!
Guide me to your seat.
Teach me.
I pray.

Love, Andrea