Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Dearest God,

In uncovering some of my seminary papers, I came across my "Spirituality in Ministry" paper written in December, 1986. I hung on to it because I wanted to reread what I wrote twenty years ago. Has it been twenty years? Seems like yesterday when all my days ran together, living as a single parent with three daughters, working, attending school full time, writing A/B papers, trying to keep my head (and my children's) above water. I really failed sometimes.

Spirituality in ministry? Is it supposed to be? I loved Dr. Bradshaw, my professor. He had a sweet spirit about him. He seemed to daily wear his Christian faith. Faith was to be lived, not just learned.

But there was a split in the seminary, at least there appeared to be a division between the academicians and the mystics. There wasn't always a deep respect for the other. Sometimes I caught wind of mocking words toward the mystics.

Dr. Ashanin was a true mystic. His spirituality emanated from the inside. He lectured with his eyes closed, as if reading the Word from the inner recesses of the soul. He was vitally interested in the spiritual/academic pursuit. Perhaps one could not be a true Christian minister without both. He valued the academic struggle for truth, but for him, the truth also set one free. The heart and the head were connected. They informed one another.

While it is difficult to clearly define "spirituality", it implies that one has a belief in God and lives the belief daily, that God in human living is the core of all that is. That there is a relationship, a living relationship between God and the human individual. They walk together, not as equals, but rather as a parent/child, creator/creature, divine/human. If life is to have supreme meaning, then an intentional life together will promote living in a particular way.

Spirituality is to ministry like fish is to water. They are part and parcel of one another. A fish cannot live without water. Ministry can be dead without spirituality.

Do I exhibit my own spirituality? Is it apparent that God and I have a relationship, a living one? Do I come across as one who believes? Am I a cynic? Do I live a model worthy of emulation?

If a pastor is worth their own salt, then it seems we must be about what we preach. Either we believe in God, trust God's grace, live a Christian example, and offer ministry in God's name or we do not. I am not talking about perfection here; I will never be perfect, not even close. I cannot do what I do if I do not believe in God's presence in the world, a living reality that connects people together.

I think we as pastors dry up very quickly if we do not rely on the livingness of the relationship we hold with God. We give out, again and again. If we do not intentionally live by the well of living water, then at some point we get lost, and can't find our way back. We are thirsty, so thirsty but we can't find the path to what will quench that thirst once again.

Today I think of the relationship God started with me, since I do believe God is the initiator of such relationships. I am grateful, deeply grateful for those who lead the way, my grandmother, my Sunday School teachers, friends of my parents, neighbors, simple people with a profound faith that allowed their own spirituality to give root in me.

I will read my paper once again, through the lens of a pastor who has been involved in ministry for 19 years. I will ask the questions of myself, or rather I will listen to the questions of God. In my Lenten desert experience, it is a good time to be interviewed, by God.

You know my insides.
You know how I was put together.
You know who I am.
You know what I am about.
The psalmist cried out to you,
asking you to search his heart,
to look for evil from within,
to cleanse him from all unrighteousness.
Let it be so with me.
Let this Lenten time
be an experience of salvation.
Open me to your light,
that I may enter the joy
of your delight.

Expectantly, Andrea