Friday, September 21, 2007

Dearest God,

I had hoped for 36 hours of silence, then 30, settling finally for 24. I had received a call that one of my church members had been put in the hospital. In old clothes I stopped in on my way to the retreat center. We sat on the hospital bed together, talking, hugging, laughing, praying. I got some food from the cafeteria, then made six stops before arriving at the House of Prayer.

Home at last, I settled in, put the groceries in the frig, clothes in the drawers, books by the dresser, plugged in the computer. At 5:30 p.m. I began my quiet time by praying. I was lead to lie down on the couch. My eyes closed. Thirty minutes later I awakened realizing silence had given me 30 minutes of rest.

I was drawn to the St. Joseph edition of the Holy Bible. I randomly opened it to Sirach 2, entitled, "Duties Toward God." I read it and realized an answer to my prayer.

“My son, (daughter) when you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, undisturbed in time of adversity. Cling to him, forsake him not; thus will your future be great. Accept whatever befalls you, in crushing misfortune be patient; for in fire gold is tested, and worthy men (women) in the crucible of humiliation. Trust God and he will help you; make straight your ways and hope in him. You who fear the Lord, wait for his mercy, turn not away lest you fall. You who fear the Lord, trust him and your reward will not be lost. You who fear the Lord, hope for good things, for lasting joy and mercy. Study the generations long past and understand; has anyone hoped in the Lord and been disappointed? Has anyone persevered in his fear and been forsaken? Has anyone called upon him and been rebuffed? Compassionate and merciful is the Lord; he forgives sins, he saves in time of trouble. Woe to craven hearts and drooping hands, to the sinner who treads a double path! Woe to the faint of heart who trust not, who therefore will have no shelter! Woe to you who have lost hope! What will you do at the visitation of the Lord? Those who fear the Lord disobey not his words; those who love him keep his ways. Those who fear the Lord seek to please him, those who love him are filled with his law. Those who fear the Lord prepare their hearts and humble themselves before him. Let us fall into the hands of theLord and not into the hands of men, for equal to his majesty is the mercy that he shows." Sir 2:1-18

I read each line, allowing its truth to reach the deepest part of my soul. When I ponder on my heart’s deepest desire to be faithful to God, the words came to me from 175 BC, years before Christ's birth. But God was here. I realize that everything I needed was contained in these verses. My heart was glad.

I wandered outside, sauntering in the yard, looking at the rows upon rows of dry cornfields, the road winding and twisting. I came in to prepare my simple dinner. At the dining room table I ate my meal accompanied by the scent of an Autumn Leaves candle. Pleasant.

After putting the dishes in the dishwasher I ran my bathwater to take a leisurely bath. I felt the water and realized it was cold. I turned on the kitchen spigot and bathroom sink. Still cold. Content to take a cold bath if that was necessary, I checked on the water heater. Condensation had crystallized on the front of the heater, some kind of fluid had dropped down the front. A fire had occurred, sending soot 12" up the front of the heater. I probed around, then realized it was a serious situation. I called the retreat center. Within five minutes a worker arrived.

He determined that it had been quite a little fire. But it had not tripped the breaker. “You’re fortunate you weren’t shocked." He told me. The director called back and told me I needed to move. I packed everything up, then moved to the motherhouse.

My silence so far had been unusual. Rest. Gospel words. Unexpected danger.

I moved to my new room and unpacked, settling in a second time. Acknowledging that my silent time had been meaningful but not quiet, I tried to quiet myself, hoping for some solitude.

That was when I decided to take a shower. I turned on the water and got a blast of cold water all down the front of me. Remembering that I had left my pjs and robe hanging on the bathroom door in the House of Prayer, the only other thing I thought I could wear to bed was now wet. I laughed. I waited five minutes for the water to get hot (another water heater problem?) In the meantime I went to the bathroom and when I flushed the toilet, the sucking sound of the mechanism nearly sucked me down the toilet and out the sewage tank. I laughed again. Finally I climbed into the shower. This time the portable shower head was bent toward the ceramic side of the shower. I kept wiggling it to the center but it kept moving to the side. I soaped up, then had to flatten my body against the ceramic tile hoping to get enough water to rinse the soap. I laughed again and again. When I got as much soap off as possible, I dried off, then walked into the bedroom. I had forgotten that I had raised the blinds and the light was on. I had to crouch down and crawl on the floor to grab a blanket in the closet. I held the blanket up to me with one hand and tried to lower the blinds with the other. To no avail. It just kept going up. Finally I leaned on the glass to hold up the blanket so I could use both hands. That was when I exploded in laughter.

As I finally got situated, I turned out the light. And there before me just outside my window I had a perfect view of the church spire and cross. What a magnificent image to hold onto as I closed my eyes in sleep.

Silence had not brought me what I had expected. It gave me much more. Rest. Gospel words. Laughter. Joy. Peace.

Magnificent One,
you surprised me
in silence.
Although
I could not maintain
my silence,
you still spoke to me.
And we laughed together.
Joy and peace.

Love always, Andrea