Saturday, September 15, 2007

Dearest God,

At times I feel such torment, anguish in my soul. I battle between rising up and walking away. Drawing lines in the sand. Resisting. I see signs. I hear your voice. But I cannot see over the rise. I am blinded by my own sadness. Saving myself.

Letting go. Releasing. Surrendering, but what, how much? Do I rally, saving myself at the cost of others? Or do I once again enter the door of my own insecurity, vulnerability, trusting you to walk me there, opening the entrance, holding my hand, whispering encouragement? I've been here before, over and over again. Just a repeat. Do you ever weary of me?

Oh, to know the future. But then where is room for my faith? I cannot exchange a knowledge of the future with my faith. I cannot. Yet, this is my angst. I want certainty but I cannot have it. The pilgrim journey, my pilgrim journey, yet another trial, another challenge. Oh, to be sure, to be very sure. But my heart tells me surety is but surety, nothing more. Is that really what I want? Is it really my heart's desire?

I cling to the precipice of faith, feeling the rocks give way, tumbling down the side. Oh, to hold on to you, knowing that nothing can strip me of the certainty of your love, your friendship. I am weak. My inner core crumbles and I give way to disappointment, hurt. And what happens? I give bitterness my heart once again. I give resentment a chunk of my heart. Oh God, why? I want my heart clear, clean. I want it only to beat for righteousness because righteousness in your sight is to be honored.

Last week I cried out to my covenant group partner. "My bitterness stands in the way of my beauty and if I have no beauty, what do I have to offer God?" "Your brokenness, you offer God your brokenness." He told me. He is right.

My heart aches. The door to my heart is nearly closed. Protection. Safety. But what is a closed heart, but a heart grown stone cold? And what heart can beat properly if it is a heart of stone? Oh Lord, I battle, I battle.

Brokenness
and honesty.
I bring these
to you.
Truth.
Authenticity.
Rise up
with me
in the battle,
O God.
Claim me again
as your own.

Yours, Andrea