Sunday, Setember 9, 2007

Dearest God,

I am preaching on "Having a Missionary Spirit." What I am discovering is that I am really finding myself in St.Paul's stories. Today I recounted the incident in Lystra where Paul preaches in the streets and a lame man is healed. People get so excited that they decide to sacrifice to him and Paul is appalled, renting his clothing. By the end of the story the same excited people who witnessed a heavenly miracle stone him, leaving him for dead.

"How do you relate to the story? Which character best describes you?" I asked those who had gathered. As I was leaving the church, the story was still rolling around in my head and then suddenly it moved into my soul. I couldn't stop thinking about the "stone throwers." I know who I am. I have stones in my pocket. "I'm one of the stone throwers." Not for the same reason, but a stone thrower nonetheless. I thought. My spirit sank as I considered myself. I think I've saved up a few stones, put them in a tidy little pile. Now, why would I do that?

Lately I have been a little edgy. Yes, I'm sure my physical condition has increased my irritability. And perhaps my work load coupled with a day of illness has contributed some. And, of course, my added responsibilities at home this summer have kept me very busy. However, all said, I know that in my soul I am harboring resentment. Now, I have said it. It is out in the open.

I know what resentment can do to one who holds on to it. That's why it's resentment, you hold onto something, something not good. I also know what it can do to harm one's insides, my own. I may be splitting at the seam. And maybe that's your plan. It is in my face. My own words spoken bounce right back to me. I hear them echoing in a chamber.

Disappointment fills my soul when I think about it. And why? Because I diminish myself in front of my own Beloved. You see me as I am. My desire to be faithful is rocked because I cannot be faithful and resentful at the same time.

This is just as you would have it. You desire me to stand at an intersection where I have to contemplate, then make a decision. How do I balance my need for safety and security and a willingness to let go of my harborings? That leaves me at a most difficult place - the place of vulnerability.

Of course, the issue is as it always is. How much do I trust you? How much do I trust others for whom I am holding the stones? And for that matter how much do I trust myself? Everything seems to always boil down to the same thing. Trust. Trust. Trust.

Oh Lord,
so often
I fail
to keep
my own promises
to you.
I want
to live
the faithful life
but at the sign
of struggle,
of trouble,
I run away
to hunt for stones.
Thankfully
I no longer
use them
to build
a fortress
where I will hide.
But keeping
my stones
and using them
when I am
distressed
is no answer either.
The dilemma
of my life
is trusting you
utterly
and trusting myself,
following my
higher nature.
Dear God,
save me
from myself,
I pray.

Love always, Andrea