Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Dearest God,

I sought for years to find my own voice. (My mother would beg to differ) I had a voice for cheerleading and friends and family. But I didn't find my real voice, the voice to my own true self for more than five decades. Sometimes it takes a lifetime or at least a long time to find, to discover the real self living inside.

I hid for a number of years. Too afraid to risk. Lacked courage. Life seemed fleeting. No real footing. Faith, however, was the one thing I always returned to. At least some portion of it.

There were some things that moved me closer to that mysterious self. Love or the lack of it. Divorce. Betrayal. Cancer. Church or the lack of it. Loss, terrible loss. Family breakup. Sin. Fear. While most of these would be considered negative, they nonetheless threw me into a tailspin that caused me to act. Every time I found myself flung into a realm deeper than the last time until finally I stood on ground so holy, so wondrously mysterious that I let go and followed a path, an unfamiliar path that lead me to parts of my self and to you. I can't really describe it all. I can't really define it all that well. I just know I allowed myself to follow as if the path had been laid out from the beginning of time. It looked well traveled as though I were not the first to pass. Yet, at the same time I was aware I was alone on the road.

Time and time again my life's journey was recorded. And somewhere along the way I picked up truth as a friend. I found courage and value. I began to talk, to share the wonder of it all. I found my voice and my voice lead me inwardly to the self I longed to discover.

In a book I recently read I learned about impeccable words, using impeccable words to describe life, myself, the world and others. I've found these words to be the words I use to speak the truth of my life, the truth of my experience, the truth of my spiritual journey. These golden words have the capacity to fill the space around me with you. And when I share them, others seem to want to take hold, to follow them, to see where they are likely to lead. These letters we share with each other, they are part of the process. That voice I looked for for so long...well, well, she's singing along. And my self? She's part of the song.

The sacred path
is sometimes
long and twisting.
Sometimes
short and steep.
I've spent
a lot of time
stuck in place.
But I've always felt
that gentle nudge,
that soft push
to go
a little further.
I might never
have found
my self
had I not
followed your leading.
I'm free
to sing
your song;
I'm free
to be me.

Love always, Andrea