Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Dearest God,

A heavy heart. I'm carrying a heavy heart. How large does the heart swell when it is troubled? What becomes of it as the burden grows heavier?

I felt a heaviness come over me. I felt it grow as I went about my day. It rose until it met my my soul and mind. I prayed, asking for help and guidance. Where else does it come from?

A growing spirit and faith, renewal of one's own being, giant leaps of faith are dangerous, a very slippery ground. Traveling to great spiritual heights for a long period of time can lead one to shadowy, dark places in the soul. Remaining rooted in the spiritual disciplines, focusing on the soul's strength and realizing that temptation can catch us off guard at any moment, is vital to a true renewal of the soul.

How many times have I traveled to great heights only to fall off the precipice of trouble? How many times have I embraced the joy of faith only to forget that joy is always linked to obedience? When I come to believe that joy is my earned status in life and all seems to be going wonderfully well, I leave myself wide open for a fall, a really big one. And when the tumble begins, I can roll a long way down before I am able to begin the obedient work of listening to the spirit's voice speaking to me of deeper truths of who I am and what I am about.

How many times have I forfeited truly great opportunities of service because I was caught up in my own grand experience of life? How many times have I failed, because I believed more in me and the desires of my own mind and heart than I believed in you? When I followed my own heart's desire and forgot you or at least minimized your presence and will, I always found myself in trouble. And regret was deep and long. The fact that I failed myself and others was one thing, but to fail you who had blessed my life well beyond anything I could ever have imagined was nearly too much to carry. My body, mind, soul and spirit got weighted down in self judgement, guilt, and deep loneliness. I waded in my own tears for a long time.

As I remember those times today, my heart is heavy. I know the temptation, the fall and the long climb back up. I lived raw for a long time, barely able to hold my head up, knowing you were looking straight at me, knowing full well my sin.

Long periods in the light can often lead to long periods in the darkness because I failed to remember the darkness is necessary to teach me when I forget who I am. I remember living in darkness is the time when I fell once again, not into the abyss but into your arms. Only when I give you my full attention do I rise once again, however slowly it takes me to learn the lesson of humility and faith.

I have a heavy heart today.

The stains
of sin
I carry
with me
until I realize
once again,
I'm not living
my life
on earth,
but yours.
As long
as I live
my life
in the style
to which
I have
become accustomed,
I will remain
in the shadows.
The light
will not shine
upon me.
I will rise
only as
I gain
a foothold
on the spirit's life
in me.
Forgive me
when I forget
who I am,
when I live
in my own joy,
rather than
in yours,
when I fail
to love you
more than
my own will.
Teach me,
Lord,
once again,
teach me
your way.

Love, Andrea