Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Dear God,

Lord, I want to have a gentle spirit. I want to ease my way into the day. I want to be appreciative of my surroundings whatever the situation. I want to go through the day establishing myself with you more and more. I want to be more flexible and less criticial. I want to be open to see my sins more readily and less judgemental of others' sins. I want to respect the little things, knowing that sometimes it is the best that can be offered. I want to embrace difference and not want the world to be just like me. I want to listen more and speak less. I want to be a willing participant in life rather than a guide for the cosmos. I want more of you and less of me.

Sometimes I suffer with a critical spirit. I get frustrated by a lack of detail to what needs doing. I am not always nice to those I love most. I fail. And when my mouth is judging others, I hate my own words. I dislike the sound of judgement, of diminishing someone else. It sounds ugly. It is ugly.

I felt overwhelmed today by all the needs in our house. Not really cleaned for a year, there seemed more to do than I had energy to do it. And when overwhelmed, I can get really grouchy, not loving and kind. I find fault in what has been done. I throw up my hands and get ticked by what I feel should have been done. The work and the attitude together makes for an ugly display of resentment.

I have so far to go to reach spiritual perfection. Not that I am expecting ever to be perfect. I'm not looking for that. But I do want to follow a spiritual flow, whereby my "regulator" is always adjusting to whatever presents itself. I want to go along for the ride, trusting that whatever is before me is exactly what needs to be before me in order to help me learn more deeply what it means to follow the Redeemer of Human Life.

I wish I had been born with an eraser, one that I could use every time someone else sins. But also so I can erase my own. I want to be so totally free of judgement because to do so is to trust you to do what you do so I can free myself of being judgemental. I want to accept the fact that I am not the great judge. Only you have the capacity to judge the world and me in it. And when I think that sometimes I try to crawl up in your chair to rule, I want to break down and cry. My eyes look down in disgust. I am not able to look up just to see your feet that walk with me daily. My simple humanity gets me into trouble and I forget just who is the Great Master.

I am confident that trouble will come my way until I learn this life lesson. Teach me.

Teach me,
sweet Jesus,
teach me
the great truths
of life.
Teach me
the ways
of gentleness
and kindness
and goodness.
Help me
see the beauty
in my neighbor
every time,
never failing
to give thanks.
I am
a sinner
who fights
to rise above
all those things
than cause me
to stumble
and fall
and argue
with you.
Dear Sweet Jesus,
teach me,
oh teach me
the beautiful way
of life.

Love, Andrea