Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dearest God,

I am learning the meaning of detachment. In my greatest hours of anguish and suffering, I hold on to the things that hurt. I hold on because I don't know what else to do. I hold on because it causes me fear to release it, plunging me into the unknown.

How is it possible to hold on to "things"? Things could be a house, a picture, a piece of jewelry, an inanimate object. What things are valuable enough to hold onto? And what is the meaning of value related to an object?

I have had to address these questions over the last year. Not only have I had to look at what I hold onto, but also the cost of holding on. In such moments I feel confused and sometimes shocked at what I hold onto. Tenaciously I hold on with all my being. To what gain? I have had to ask myself. What do I gain by holding on?

This exercise has been invaluable to me. I have had to look at the substance of my life. Is my own value mixed up with the value of things? I found that I had crossed over the line giving more value to things that I ought. In shame and sorrow I had to confess my attachment to certain things. This knowing has made me face myself. Who am I when I give great value to sticks and stones, to mortar and nails, to shiny gems and rolling wheels? And to what do I sacrifice health and well being? I found myself tumbling downward. Who am I indeed?

Looking at my reflection in the mirror I have had to admit that I have sacrificed too much of myself for the shiny goods. My health was breaking. My well being was suffering. My heart was breaking and my psyche was being shaken. As long as I held tight to things, I learned, I would suffer, paying too large a price for things. I had to let go.

Systematically I have been letting go, releasing, surrendering. This weeks-long process has renewed my health to some degree. I have felt lighter, freer, happier. Someone said my enthusiasm and joy has returned. Someone said I was lost for a long time. I think she is right.

Oh Lord,
my trust
in you
is leading me
in new ways.
My value
is in you.
My attachment
is to you,
to things eternal.
I have
placed myself
in precarious places
as I gave myself
to things.
As I looked
in the mirror,
I saw
only myself.
As I began
the process
of letting go,
I have been enabled
to see you.
You are
the source
of my truth,
dear God,
the truth
that is
setting me free.

Love, Andrea