Saturday, May 16, 2009

My dearest God,

On our retreat we had to select rocks symbolizing those things that have power over us. Those things that have a seemingly powerful control. I knew the one thing with which I struggle.

As a first born I carry within me the responsibility of making things right, helping people deal with their sorrow, and propping people up. I go to great ends in my work and relationships to take care of such matters or feel guilty.

I picked up my rock, wrote down "temptation to rescue" and taped the paper to the rock. I could feel the responsibility as I held the rock in my hand. I put it in my "evil" bag and was told I had to carry it with me in the night and to breakfast and session this morning. As I write I feel this bulge in my right hand pocket.

As we each one carried our powerful rocks, we were given the opportunity to exfoliate the control we allow these symbols and realities to carry. In a candle lighted room the first station was a cleansing station; an exfoliant was placed on our hands. One of those sugar rubs, we were supposed to massage it into our hands. Following that we went to the second station to cleanse with water. At the final station our hands were dried with a cloth.

I held on to my powerful rock. Responsibility dies hard with me. Tears formed and I wondered how I could get out without cleansing. I couldn't. I was the last to step forward. With tears slowly sliding down my face I put out my hands. When the exfoliant was placed in my hands and I started massaging it, I felt like Judas. These are Judas hands, I thought. It felt wrong to cleanse myself. I did it anyway.

It's always
about trust,
dear God.
Letting go
seems only right
for some.
Yet,
I know
that letting go,
surrendering is
so important.
I cannot carry
other people's responsibilities;
I rob them
of the right
to free themselves,
to experience liberation,
to walk anew
with you.

Love, Andrea