Saturday, November 11, 2006

My dearest God,

A heart filled with gratitude is privy to life lived in the deep. My time at the retreat center has been an awesome wonder.

How do you live Sabbath Days in gratitude? Do you walk around saying, "thank you, thank you, thank you?" Yes. Do you still your own voice, listening for God? Yes. Do you wander expectantly? Yes. Do you live and breathe thanksgiving? Yes.

But it is more than that. It is living in a reality where the invisible becomes visible, the hidden becomes apparent, and the Source of all Living is revealed. God's plan unfolds. Destiny takes on new meaning. Hope comes to life in new dimensions. And love, so plentiful, so abundant as to take away your breath.

I was full when I arrived on Thursday night. But my fullness was transfigured by the events I have experienced in the last 48 hours. I had received a letter I had been praying for for 12 years. And my soul had to find a way to give gratitude to God.

I chose to live in community where God prevails day in and day out, a retreat center where I have traveled when my heart was so low. But also a center where I have lead women one step closer to God, by now perhaps more than 100. I have written covenants, danced my love and praise to God, lay prostrate before God's altar, cried out in prayer, enjoyed holy laughter, toasted to God with spoony fudge, walked the labyrinth, and stood amazed at the holy presence of God in this place. I had to return to offer my thanks.

Yesterday I came to the library to write my letter to God. I walked through the doors to the reference desk. No one was there, just a few construction workers. One told me the library wasn't open for another 30 minutes but I could sit on one of the benches just inside the door. So I did. When you live in gratitude, waiting is not a burden.

About five minutes before the library was to open, one of the librarians opened the door to a 60's, thin, bearded man wearing a ball cap and sweatshirt. He looked a lot like Abe Lincoln. He sat down beside me. In less than five minutes I learned that he was born on a farm in Kempton, Indiana, then traveled to Manhattan when he married his wife who was an actress. He built sets on Broadway and theatres across the US while his wife acted in plays, some that have become famous. He took up carving and building custom made furniture for "upper end" people. He has seen many of those on television. "I wanted to learn about religion, not by reading about it but experiencing it first hand. So I have been in a lot of religious circles." He told me. (I didn't tell him about my vocation) "But now I'm just a serial e-mailer. I read a lot; I am drafting a comedy script, and I write a lot of poetry." "Really?" I asked. "Have you published any?" "No, I just give them away for free."

At that moment the head librarian told us the library was officially open. I shook his hand and told him I was about to write a letter to God. We smiled at one another, then parted.

I got on the computer and started writing. About fifteen minutes later one of the reference librarians interrupted me and gave me a poem Jim had written. I smiled at him and continued my letter. Thirty minutes later he gave me two more. I thanked him and finished my letter. I peered at the poems, then realized that God was right here in the library. I moved over toward Jim, shook his hand and thanked him once again. I left.

As I was walking to my car, a woman who had been checking out books followed me to my car. "God just told me to pray for you." She told me. We spoke for a few minutes then she prayed, right there on the street. "God, Heavenly Father, I pray for wisdom and discernment..." I received her prayer and gave her a hug. I asked her several questions.

She told me that her 22 year old son had recently been killed in a car accident. His auto had rolled over, killing him instantly. She felt secure that he was with God and that she could live with that. I offered to pray for her. I wrapped my arm around her and prayed for her son and her loss. Tears filled her eyes as we prayed together for God's healing love. We spoke some more then went our separate ways.

As I stepped inside my car and closed the door, I read the poems Jim had written.

He wrote,

"When all your conflicts are said and done,
And all your wars are lost or won,
Look deep inside, you'll find the one,
Constant, loyal creative Son.
The one who has always been there,
Non-judgmental, ready to repair."

I thought of my trial for 12 years. How I have found the truth that sets the soul free. I have discovered one tiny piece, then another, one came a circuitous route and others followed not too far behind. The truth set me free until my soul could release the giant hurts. God had been repairing me for a long time. (Still more to go) And now God was repairing my loved one. "Honest Abe" had stepped into my life, teaching me one more lesson about truth.

As I made my way back to the retreat center, I was giving thanks for all the prayers that had been prayed for my family and me for the last twelve years and all those who had prayed them. I was filled with memories of those who promised to pray. Then I wandered downstairs.

As I was talking to one of the staff, Frances walked by tugging her luggage behind her. I gasped in my spirit. Frances was one of the first to say she would pray for our family. She knew the situation and promised to pray often. That evening I walked into the Medaille Room where her group would meet. I stood in the doorway until she turned around. Surprised to see me, she offered me a hug. Then I told her about the letter. Then she gasped. "Praise God!" She hugged and hugged me. Spirit meeting spirit.

She invited me to return for their evening session. I was just in sweats and they were all dressed up. "No matter," she told me, "come anyway." At 7:00 p.m. I returned for an evening of meditation, worship and praise. I had forgotten that I had worn my purple suit here. So I donned my "work" clothes and spent the evening mostly in tears.

The first 40 minutes were spent in meditation, soft instrumental music playing in the background. I was literally overcome with gratitude, praise, thanksgiving for every prayer prayed, for the ways in which God had connected my life with so many others who intentionally wove the thread of their lives to mine in prayer. And God had been so present in the weaving. I just could not conceive that people cared so much for so long. And now they had received the answer to their prayers and mine as well.

We spent about 30-40 minutes singing, lifting our hearts to God, one woman danced, waving a beautifully decorated banner. And then we sat down. The leader giving us opportunity to share anything that had come to us during our meditation, a word of encouragement to the group.

One woman after another stood, sharing their word, their thought, insight or learning. My heart beat so fast, pounding in my chest. When asked if there was anyone else, I raised my hand. I called for Frances who joined me at the front. Overcome with joy and gratitude, I told my very brief story, how God had brought me full circle to the one who had offered to pray and now we were together in this holy place celebrating God's goodness together. What an awesome moment of glory! Frances kissed me on the cheek and prayed aloud for continued healing.

After the group was dismissed, I walked to my room, so filled with wonder and amazement, tears still dampening my cheeks. Filled with joy I sat down on the bed, stunned once again at God's timing.

I fell asleep and woke this morning at 6:00 a.m. Without even washing my face or brushing my teeth, I replaced my pj's with my jeans and T-shirt. I pulled on socks, no need for shoes. I returned to the room where I had "testified" the night before and borrowed their matches. I made my way to the cathedral-ceiling chapel where I lighted the tall white pillar candle beside the baptistery. "O Lord, O Lord, O Lord," I whispered as I repeatedly lifted the water from its vessel.

And then I took the water, placing it across my forehead, round my cheeks and chin. Drinking in the waters of baptism I remembered my own initiation into God's kingdom love. So grateful I stood before God and began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me." The song echoed as if a choir of angels and saints were singing with me. "I once was lost but now I'm found. Was blind but now I see." The baptism water and my tears co-mingled as I continued to sing. "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear..." I sang every verse I could remember. And then I offered my favorite..."Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father. There is no shadow of turning with thee. Thou changest not, thy compassions they fail not. As thou has been, thou forever wilt be..." I could not contain my praise, my prayerful thanksgiving.

And then I moved away, up the center aisle, the shadows flickering on the walls and ceiling as I began to dance, lifting my arms in praise and love. I sang and danced, uninhibited, free with God, in the darkened early morning hours I was offering myself to God in gratitude.

One heart filled with gratitude
is like heaven singing its praise.
God's own child
recognizing the awesome majesty of God.
Giving expression
with heartfelt joy.
48 hours,
untold joy
and thanksgiving,
gratitude.

I shall love you always, Andrea