Sunday, February 11, 2007

Dear God,

Change is difficult, especially when you don't understand how to make the change! This weekend I logged in to my blog site. When I tried to sign on, I was given different options.
For a few weeks now I had been encouraged to change from the old to the new blog. Out of beta, the scripted note read. But I kept on writing, not thinking about the day when I could no longer write my letters from the old blogger website. Until Saturday. I tried several times. But I was patient, not always my strong suit. Finally, I was able to make the switch.

Transitions are uncomfortable, awkward. Feeling inept to "cross over" I struggle in unfamiliar territory. I didn't change my blog account because I was familiar with the old. So much like life.

This new account gives me all kinds of capabilities. I can add labels, for example. I don't really need labels. But maybe one day I will. I can do other things as well.

I guess the truth is that at times I don't want to change. I want to stick with what is comfortable, easy, efficient for me. I don't want to be bothered with change. It takes too much time and effort.

But even as I allow these words to move from my head to paper, I feel the sting of smallness, unwillingness, pride, and arrogance. Life is all about change. Nothing stays the same. Every day is different. My body is changed from yesterday. It will be altered more tomorrow.

My ministry will suffer alterations as well. My plan for the day will surely change by a phone call, a visit, a need. I will move from my prepared plan to care for someone who has an urgent problem. If necessary I will make a run to a hospital or home. My work on the bulletin will be moved to tomorrow. And that change will modify what the administrative assistant had foreseen for her day. It's all about change.

When I slipped my whole self into God's hands on September 6, 2005, I wandered into an unexplored region. I changed in the sense that I gave God my willingness to follow God's plan for the day, week, month, year. It is true that I did have to make a decision to get up, brush my teeth, go to the bathroom and later eat breakfast. Yes, I did make arrangements for the location of my stays. However, the day would unfold as I followed gentle nudgings, listened for whispered ideas, and simply followed my internal, spirit leadings. My sensitivites were heightened as I knew from experience that God wanted a role in my life, guiding, directing me to higher realms of spirit activity. God wanted to converse with me, teach me, move me, inspire me, help me, maneuver me into situations where I would need greater trust, and love me, most of all. I have never had such an incredible time journeying with the One whose affection brought me into being. All this changed my life.

I am stubborn, like a mule sometimes. This stubbornness has saved me in that it gave me a determination to overcome, to conquer. Like cancer. God gave me a steely spine, to walk into darkness and trust. Like church conflict. Trusting God to chart the course, and not waiver in the stormy clash.

But stubbornness has cost me dearly in some situations. My bull-headed approach has lead me to loss and grief. My inability to change, or even alter my way of doing something has brought sadness and resentment. I didn't get what I thought I wanted.

I recognize that fear is at the heart of change. I'm afraid. Of what? Possible loss, appearing stupid, letting go of something? Something greater?

My life will have meaning only as I trust God more, releasing my need to control my every situation. My life will have purpose so long as I listen to God more and align myself with God's outline. My hope will grow as I take steps toward following the Grand Master of the Cosmos. And my peace will be more complete as I breathe the calm serenity that God offers in all conditions of life. And joy, well, joy will fill every pore of my being when I know in the deepest depths of me that I am walking with God.

Change me, O Lord.
"Search me,"
the psalmist said,
"try me,
see if there be any wicked way in me."
I want to be an ever-willing participant
in your great design.
I want to be clay in your hands.
I want to be a vessel
full of You.
Change me,
transform me,
Make me yours
and I will become
a person of beauty,
joy, hope, and love.
I want to emulate
your presence in the world.
I want to be tranquility
in chaos.
I want to be your witness
in a world gone mad.
Change-making God,
convert me.
Imbue me with your
grace-filled love.

Yours, Andrea