Monday, March 5, 2007

Dearest God,

I have disappointed someone, again. When she called, she was kind, not angry, just disappointed. Her expectations and mine do not match up. Hers leads to disappointment, mine to balance. At least that's my take on the situation.

I have long struggled with varying expectations. What I expect from others. What others expect from me. And what God expects from both.

Early in my life I followed the expectations of others. I leaned this way, then that when the winds blew. I found that my center force was gone, the fulcrum of logic and balance. I wanted, needed approval of others in order to have any center at all. What I discovered is a life without a strong center will collapse in on itself.

It took years, and I do mean years, a couple, three decades to determine how to build a center, then how to read it. I had to test, then test again. Evaluate, study. How do I do it? I constantly pondered.

My earlier female models were people I admired, loved. But looking back, they were the workers, the tireless workers who cared for everyone's needs. Theirs always came up short. They were taken advantage of. At times they were like mats, people could walk on them. They carried all the responsibility although both were married. One contented herself by reading the Upper Room periodical. I'm not sure the other was happy at all. (I'm certain that's a slight exaggeration. I just didn't see much joy on her face very often.) I followed their examples and found myself disappointed most of the time.

I had to search for a new model. I went looking for clues. I finally realized that I am not like any other. There is no perfect ideal. To follow another is to remain in bondage to an idea that doesn't work.

Which leads me back to expectations. What do I expect of myself? How much do I give to myself? How much to others? How much is enough, too much, too little?

During my renewal time I had no expectations, other than to follow God. And I followed like a cloud in the sky when the winds blew. I was so willing to be whisked upward, sideways, constantly being reshaped, made larger or smaller. I was light, airy, no weight burdening me down.

I've lost my lightweight status. I feel a burden creeping into me. When I wasn't watching, on alert, my center was being jostled. I see the red flag going up. I will have to make some decisions, perhaps a change here and there. I will disappoint some others.

It's a wonderful thing to be needed. Yet, a relationship built on neediness can ultimately travel to the far country where trouble can brew. Greater needs can surface and expectations will rise. And people will get hurt. Especially in families.

I realize there is a reason why I am where I am. I had covenanted in 2006 to take a Sabbath Day or two every month for my own spiritual and emotional health. I was able to take a day a couple of times. It was grand, rejuvenating, quiet. My spirit hovered at the center with God. I was content to sit, be still and listen for God's voice.

But somewhere in the mix of things I became ill. Missed work. Was weak. And when I started recouping, I felt I couldn't take time away. So I vacillated and here I am coping with a demon from the past.

I will not go one more day without calendaring my Sabbath times. Some will understand the value of such days. Others will see it as a waste of time and believe their needs can fill the time better. I will need to weather the situation with God as my guide.

Great God,
my spirit is restless,
not calm.
I'm questioning myself
and my loyalties.
My insides are squishie.
(That's probably not a real word,
but it will do for me.)
I need to firm up
the center of my being,
while remaining
pliable in the hands
of my Maker.
I need to trust you
to lead me,
guide me,
to speak to me.
And I want to be willing
to be like the cloud
in the sky,
following your breath.
You are my true center.
In you
I find green pastures
and still water
and restoration
of my soul.
Thank you,
Most High God,
for faith,
the road that always
leads back home.

Forever yours, Andrea