Friday, July 27, 2007

Dearest God,

I was surprised when my administrative assistant told me that my doctor was on the phone. I hurried down the hall to take the call. "Andrea, I called to tell you I received the results of your tests. All your levels are off." He told me. "What? Why? All of them?" "Yes." He replied.

I had had my tests run just the day before. We both concluded that I was doing very well. My tests had been normal for the last several months. He told me I could wait three months for a blood draw rather than the monthly ones I normally have. Neither of us expected any changes.

We did know that my cholestrol was way off. It was quite high several months ago when I took an insurance exam. Although I do a pretty good job of eating right, I had to work to get the bad cholestrol down and the good up. The test result was very good; however, my good cholestrol was so low they couldn't even measure it.

So when I heard that my thyroid and calcium were pretty high, we were both surprised. Even though I dare to ask the why question each time, I already know the answer. We don't know why. Scientists haven't figured it out yet.

My doctor changed my dosage and said we would check it again in a month. There's nothing more I can do. I've asked several times what I can do to optimize my health. He assures me I am doing all I can.

I realized that I was lulled into believing that I was fine. And that can be a scary proposition since he has told me repeatedly to be obsessive about my health, my medicine, my tests. But when you begin to feel pretty good, it's easy to feel like you're a normal person. "Do I just have a strange body that does strange things?" I asked the doc. "Maybe." He said.

I feel pretty good. I take my medicine faithfully. I am diligent about my monthly tests. But the one part, perhaps the more important is building up my trust in you. I can only do what I can do, do what my physician tells me to do and the only thing left is to trust more, deepen those roots, make 'em go way down deep.

The moment I hung up the phone, I closed my eyes so I could more easily see yours. I stepped inside faith with you, like two peas in a pod, two people in a phone booth, two persons scrunched together in a small space. Why? Because faith that is too small is a real tight fit. The deeper my trust is the greater the space that faith can fill. When the realization came to me, that's when I smelled the sweet scent of trust and my faith widened and deepened at the same time. My life, my well being is ultimately in your hands. And my trust in you can allow me to live in the realities of the frailty of human life, yet live as though grace is sufficient because it is.

I turned around the corner of faith, drew in a breath and walked beside you.

Ever-Opening God,
trust will always
lead me
to you.
When I am closed off
or I have sealed
the door of faith and trust,
my door is blown away
because your grace
is always greater
than my efforts
to keep you away.
I cannot hide,
nor can I remain alone
in my wrestling.
You open the door
to my soul
and cry out
for my presence.
How can I say no?
Why would I want to?
You know the secrets
to my life.
You know them very well.
You know my hiding places
and my inability
to remain there long.
Keep me ever close.
Make your light
to shine,
revealing every crack and crevice.
Fill those holes
with grace and mercy
that I will sing your praise.
You are God,
almighty, powerful,
and full of love.
May my soul
rise up with resurrection
to offer you
my weakness.
Glorious God,
I am yours.

Love, Andrea