Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Dearest God,

Fear, unfettered fear can wrap its tentacles around any mind, soul and heart. I allowed my mind to be filled with fear as I tried to sleep. Then at 4:00 a.m. I awakened, returning to my fear in the darkness.

I will take my daughter to the hospital this morning. So sick, I tried to urge her to let me take her before she went to bed. But she wasn't ready.

I remember the day she called me with news from a blood test. She didn't understand the numbers. I did. I understood them all too well. I knew at 34 she had cancer. I tried to be very calming, urging her to get some extra tests that very day, to get into a specialist post haste. She agreed. When I hung the phone up on its cradle, my shattered heart exploded in tears, gut wrenching tears, mother's tears. "Not my daughter, me, yes, but not my daughter." I cried out.

The days that followed are clear to me. I remember them well. Doctors visits. Tests. Ultrasounds. Diagnosis. Bedrest for her pregnancy to give baby a few more days. Then the pain and the projectile vomiting. Surgery. I will never forget.

That moment in my office when Jen first called me, I realized I would spend days, weeks, months on my knees at your feet. A mother's pleading prayers. In the night I remembered.
I'm afraid.

"Mom, I've never been more sick." She told me last night. "Something's really wrong." That sent my head spinning to earlier days and I felt myself afraid. I knew I could only pray for her; I did not have the power to change her mind, to seek help now. As a mother I have to stand with, but not push.

Trusting, faithing (an act of faith being lived out) is called for. Because to hide behind fear allows no room for faith. To be sucked into a dark shadow where the light is hidden can hold me captive. I do not want to hide.

My speculations may not prove to be true. And I will have lost important time in the light.

Holy God,
allow me
to remain
hidden in your bosom.
May I hear
your sacred heartbeat.
May I remember
that nothing
is hidden
from your eyes.
May I trust
in faith,
rise up
in courage.
Teach me, Lord,
teach me
your ways.
Remind me
that nothing
is beyond your care.
Teach me
your ways.
My daughter
is yours.
I pray
persistently
for her healing.

Love always, Andrea