Tuesday, October 30, 2007

My dearest God,

Holy hands fully open to the light. Hands open with an offering. Hands open to the light. Hands open to God. Hands.

The light shone straight down into our faces and onto our outstretched hands. We were making an offering to you. Did you see our hearts, our spirits' great desire to give to you what we could no longer hold? Faith giving to the light, trusting that God, Jesus would scoop out of our hands so great an offering.

I thought about that as I went to bed tonight. Not just that offering, but my own. I thought about my own faith, my own wrestling. Is faith real or is it not? Does it work sometimes or all the time? If faith is real, it is real for all time, not just part time. It is either real for all things or no things. That's what I told myself as I was falling asleep.

Faith is just an attitude or belief when not taxed in a difficult situation. Faith is only real when lived during hard times. Faith is the action that comes out of the belief. That's what I tell myself. And I believe it.

When I struggle, I get caught up in my own humanity. At such moments I forget that I am a woman of faith. Instead of fully extending my hands to the light of God, I am tight fisted where no light can enter. I am rocked to the core. When my core is exposed, that's where my faith whispers, "I'm here. I'm here. Be not afraid. I'm here. Trust me." And my heart is sad when I think I have failed to trust. Words break out of my mouth, "I lift up my eyes where my help comes from." Just like the psalmist, "My help comes from the Lord."

"I lift up my eyes." Sometimes my eyes graze the ground. I cannot look up. Yet, faith cries out to me. "Look, look, look up!" And when I do, I look into the light and the light shines down upon me like today in the park. The light shines and the light is God. It is faith that moves my neck from its downward position up, up, and up. That slight gesture, movement changes things. "I lift up my eyes." My eyes on Jesus, on Christ, on faith, on God, on love, on trust. I breathe easier. I know the truth that can set people free, even me.

Although the experience in the park was not for me, it reminded me again that you have the power to radically change things. You can take anything we throw at you and make them new. You can reshape a life completely. You can transform the vilest into the most beautiful. What once was can become what may be. You, oh Lord, have that power and the desire to change us, even our situation, our hearts, spirits, our lives.

It's always a call to trust, to trust again and again and again. Lift up your eyes, your voice calls out. Lift up your eyes. And when I feel your hands upon my neck helping to lift me, I know faith is operating fully.

When will I ever fully trust you? When will I ever gain full trust that functions 24/7? When will I trust faith to guide me in every situation, every situation? Oh Lord, forgive this stubborn heart.

I lift up my eyes,
indeed,
and I will keep
lifting them up
to you.
Yours is the face
I long to see,
the light that shines,
the love that flows,
the food that feeds me,
the water that quenches
my thirst.
I am yours,
Oh Lord,
I am yours.

Love, Andrea