Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Dearest God,

This morning I lay in my bed listening to Autumn leaves falling, thinking about the goodness of it all. How each tree sprouted leaves in the springtime. How they grew and filled out in the summer. How they turned radiant colors in Fall. How they are letting go. How they will recharge their roots and center in the wintertime. Then bud and blossom once again, restarting the cycle.

Am I designed that way? Do I have this natural rhythm and flow to my life? Am I destined to live a particular way at a specific time? Does new life occur to me, then a fullness of life? Do I show my “colors”? Do I glow with special beauty? Do I let go, release that which is within me? Then start all over?

Sometimes I get caught up wondering, thinking about this rhythm, this ebb and flow. Just yesterday my sister, niece and I sat by the water in a small coffee shop drinking coffee and eating fudge. My sister looked out the window and said, “This is a pretty ugly scene.” “Oh,” I told her, “that’s because the tide is out. The water will soon come back in and this will be filled up.” “I’ll bet it is beautiful.” She responded back. The ebb and flow.

My sister and I have taken some early morning moments to talk about our past. During a recent gathering my sister learned some disconcerting news. She was troubled by what she heard. When she shared it with me, I too was troubled. We talked and talked, realizing that life long ago was not all it seemed to be.

It seems that I misjudged my mother at times. It appears now that she took some hard hits in life. And the fact that she said and did certain things makes sense now. My sister and I wish we could have one more conversation with Mom. There are some things we’d like to say to her.

As I lay in bed, darkness all around me, I think of the ebb and flow in my life, in my family's life. Like my sister's comments the ugly and the beautiful have been part of our lives as well. At times the ugly rose up taking hold. And yet, there have been priceless moments when the beautiful has been a reshaping of the ugly.

These days together perhaps are days when we are coming to grips with our life together. Perhaps we are creating a new flow uniting ourselves as sisters like never before. Perhaps we are taking the truth and allowing it to free us from old beliefs and attitudes. Perhaps we are allowing you to soften our edges, teaching us that nothing from the past can ultimately rob us of the future. Permitting you to remould us in a new way using the old clay can give us a new way of being together, even of being ourselves.

Gracious and Wise God,
I'm learning
about myself
and my family.
This moment
in time
is a learning time.
A loving time.
An accepting time.
Your time.

Love, Andrea