Saturday, August 2, 2008

Dear God,

Teach me, O Lord, teach me. I have learned through experience, prayer and training how to be a servant in the church and in the world. I love to serve you as I serve others. As I prepared specialty foods for my spiritual directees several days ago and I held the food while they served themselves, I was indeed blessed. At that moment I know the meaning of service to others.

However, how do I serve in my own home? How do I make everyone in my home a subject of servanthood? How do I release myself freely to serve in whatever capacity to which I am called? How do I love unconditionally and not feel taken for granted?

A division of labor seems to be a good idea. But when I feel I am doing much more than my share and I have other work to do as well, I get irritated. I do the work but I resent it. I can't seem to let go of my feelings, although I am always crossways with myself because a servant does any and all acts lovingly without expectation.

I lived the life of a doormat for many years. I was not appreciated, nor especially loved. I did little things that were considered absurd, crazy or outrageous. I was mocked. And one day I decided to behave differently. Maybe they had a point; but my point was to do something special for someone else, making it easier on the other person. I felt unappreciated.

So I live in the betwixt and in between. I want to be a servant but not a doormat. How in the world do I live the life of faith, extend myself as a servant and be joyful knowing I am pleasing you?

Goodhearted God,
will I ever
get it right?
Will I ever
find my way
so much
in you
that I will not
be troubled
by other decisions?
Will I ever become
a loving servant?
I want more
than anything
to please you
while serving others.
Teach me,
O Lord,
please teach me.

Love, Andrea