Friday, November 7, 2008

Dear God,

How much trust can one place in you? How much does the human soul have to move in order to make the deepest connection? Is it possible to be lost in you or is the deepest connection the hope we gain?

Sometimes the connections I hope to make do not materialize. I draw back, retreat into myself, lick my own wounds. I become more hesitant to try again, yet I do. Often I am disappointed. I feel my own failure. Yet, I have to ask myself. Is this failure? Can love fail when it tries to reach out? What do I hope to gain?

Someone recently said that a relationship with you is best known in a relationship with another. Is this true? Must I have a deep connection with another in order to deeply connect with you? A human relationship has its rises and falls I know but I have always trusted that a relationship with you is not like that. It is different. Where one can collapse, fall apart, the other remains intact. Is this not so?

Must I work harder to trust in a human relationship in order to more deeply connect to you? And what if I fail? What if my best efforts do not bring me what I hope for? Am I destined to live in a relationship that remains elusive? Does my failure on earth mean failure in heaven? Will my inability to enact change in a human relationship mean I will not reach the highest level possible with you? How much trust must I place in both the earthly and heavenly relationships?

Daily I ponder such questions. I try, attempting to find meaning in relationships all around me. Sometimes I am able to trust; other days I am not. I turn off, close myself to anything that will require vulnerability on my part. I draw my circle, keeping myself inside and others out. I can be happy in my self-created world. But not for long. I know I am not destined to live in such a small world. When I look on the inside of my circle, I find respite from life's challenges. I feel safe, secure, yet alone. When I look at the outside of my circle, I always find the word trust. It takes trust in order to move toward someone, anyone, depending on what I am looking for. It always seems safer to trust in you, allowing other relationships to be secondary. Some days I am too tired to try. Other days I am up for the challenge. But it always takes trust and some days I am fresh out.

The dance of life is the dance of relationships, I know. And trust is the key to open the door to relationships. Teach me, Lord, how to make trust work.

Some days
I am
like a child,
needing a mother,
a father.
I cry out
for help.
You never fail
to hear
my plea.
I draw in
your strength,
knowing this courage
is divine.
There is
a power
that helps me,
teaches me,
loves me.
I am
so grateful.

Love always, Andrea