Thursday, January 1, 2009

Dearest God,

Awakening at 4:10 a.m. I thought of the new year. I began praying. I thought of ways I could be a better specimen on the earth. I asked for guidance and an ability to be obedient, to follow your will. I want to be able to bend to your desire for my life. I want to be like a willow tree whose branches move easily with the wind.

A new year. I always want to be new. I never want to carry the yuck of my life forward. But my problem is always the ability to leave behind what needs to be released. Although I share my failings, flaws and imperfections, those characteristics and qualities of my life that I do not care for, so often I pick them back up and carry them into the unfolding new year.

I know it is a task of survival. If I carry forward my harborings, then I have a better chance of protecting myself from hurt. Or so I tell myself. If I truly want to let it all go, then my mind's eye sees me naked, completely vulnerable, unable to protect myself. But what is faith if I hold onto these harborings? How can harborings, beliefs, resentments and bitterness truly keep me safe? The truth is they erode my soul and my soul's erosion has runoffs of faith, trust, joy, hope and peace.

I know the truth or at least some of it. And when I know the truth I have to take full responsibility for my life, my choices and decisions. Do I really want to hide behind my illusions of safety or do I want to trust more, making decisions that best reflect my ability to trust you?

Great and Wondrous God,
God of the Universe
and All Humanity,
I step
into your presence
wanting
to trust more.
I want
to lift up
my doubts
and fears.
I want
to hand
them over
forever.
I want
to begin anew,
trusting you
to help me.
I want
to be fully
the person
you hoped
I would be,
even made me
to be.
My faith
is wobbly;
lead me,
Lord.
Make every road
I take
be a road
that leads me
to you,
I pray.

Love, Andrea