Thursday, February 5, 2009

Dear God,

Fear came early in life. My mother miscarried and I thought she was going to die. When I was young my dad was on an airplane that hit a flock of birds and the plane had to make an emergency landing. From then on I was afraid of losing my parents, being left alone. My greatest fear.

And so along my life journey I unknowingly gravitated to those who I believed would keep me feeling safe, secure and present. I was never alone - alone, however, I had a penchant for choosing persons who were really not available. With issues of their own, they simply could not care for my needs and what were those needs? I could never really articulate them but I could always feel them. I now know they were haunting feelings of loneliness. I spent years feeling lonely and alone, never feeling quite safe and secure. All throughout my adult years, I was never sure I really belonged enough to connect at a very deep level. My sorrow grew as my dream of making a real connection was shattered time and time again.

And so in the quiet, recessed places in my soul, I remained huddled alone, trying to comfort myself, trying to reassure myself. It was in my huddled state that you came and called my name. Although I heard my name whispered in the darkness I always knew it was the light calling me. I stood up, wiped my tears and followed the voice. I never knew how, where or when I would meet you, but I always did. I learned to huddle alone, knowing at one time or another you would call me.

Why have I needed this earthly connection so much? Why have I wanted desperately to unite in such a way as to be confident of my own security? Why have I cried out for it, blamed and judged in its absence? O Lord, you have been my dwelling place; yet, it was never enough for me. I wanted more. But my need for more has left me bereft. My yearning, my longing for more has led me down a dead end. As I huddled in my dead end I was once again brought back to you.

Forgive me,
Gracious, Loving God,
how can I
want more
when I have you?
How could I
be so arrogant
as to believe
that more
would give me
the security
I longed for?
For you are
my security.
Within me
you have placed
a lodging
of peace.
May I drink
this peace
O Lord,
knowing you are
always with me,
reminding me
I am never alone.
You have
shown me yourself
and whispered
to me
your love.
Forgive me,
O God,
for wanting more.
You have
revealed yourself
to me.
Please keep
that vision
before me,
I pray.
Let me search
no more
for what
you have already
given me.

Love, Andrea