Saturday, June 27, 2009

Dearest God,

I wanted to decide where to participate in worship tomorrow. For a Sunday without worship to me is like a day without air.

I am letting go, surrendering things that emotionally and physically weigh me down. Resentment and bitterness take a lot of energy and rob me of the true essence of my life. Why would I want to drag them around? But the energy it takes to release them is staggering.

What is important and valuable to my life? I ask myself. Obviously worship is an essential; it is a compass, giving direction. I want direction, spiritual direction that keeps my feet moving in the direction you deem right and good.

But there is more to explore, more to look at to decide: does this stay or go. And how can I do that without your leading? Each day I implore you to lead me, to give my life meaning and purpose, to show me what it is that will eternally remain with me and what it is that I must surrender.

Some things are easy to release like yesterday's food. Other things are difficult; I hang on with tentacles like an octopus. Like love I once knew. But sometimes the day comes when surrender will return life again. You thunder from heaven: let go and trust me. All of life seems to be this way. Listening, following, being obedient, then discerning again, questioning, doubting, checking it out, listening and so on. What is faith if I do not allow it its rightful place in my life? Faith is central to all I am. Faith begins the process.

I am indebted
to you,
God of my Faith.
What would
life be
without you?
I struggle,
wrestle with
present realities
but the fight
within myself
teaches me
to trust you more.
The process
of letting go
is sometimes
so painful
I think
I can't breathe.
But when
air from heaven
enters me
I know
its origin
and the touch
you offer
reminds me
I am not alone.
O God,
thank you.

Love, Andrea