Sunday, September 20, 2009

My dearest God,

I wondered if I would ever be able to return to "normal" again. I had felt so much inner turmoil, so much grief and sorrow that I pondered if I would even know normal when I saw it. Yet, I think I have entered it. At last.

Transitions can be mind boggling. Sometimes we don't want to move from where we are. And even if we do want to move, we wonder how, where and when we should do it. I am positive, certain that transitions are meant to be. I don't believe for a moment that we were meant to be cookie cutter people. We weren't destined to be the same, not the same as other people, not the same as yesterday.

Have I always put a priority on change? Have I forever thought that growth is vital to a person, to their relationships, to life in community? Have I been "moving" all my life?

I think emotional, physical and spiritual movement keeps us alive. I think there is a life force inside us that stirs the human soul to movement. I believe you have made us to grow, to change, to rise, to sing new songs.

Perhaps that is why despair does not look good on me. I think despair is the death of life. In despair there is no hope, no courage, no trust, no faith. Despair wears black all the time and lives in the darkness. It cannot sing, dance or enjoy life. Despair is a shield from beauty, goodness, creativity and hope. Despair can take our life to its deepest end. Despair destroys joy.

But the truth is that despair does not have the final word. It may reign for a long time but even in the end, it does not have the last say. Love has the final say. How do I know this? I believe you are love. Your love is always urging, encouraging, loving us back to life. Although we may not see it, feel it or hear it, your love is still at work. It was love that created us, divine love not the act of union between two people. Nothing can bring love to life except you. If you are at the beginning, it only makes sense that you are also at the end. It is the divine circle of life, really divine love has no beginning or end, it just is always. We are swept into that divine circle because you deem it. How beautiful, wonderful to know we are each and all drawn in because you are God and we are images of your love.

Although I did not have the energy to reach out to this divine circle, you reached for me. You were my strength when I was weak. You were light when I was darkness. You were faith when I was fear. You were love when I was despair.

And finally because you are, I am.

I feel
life surging
through my veins
once again.
The battle
for my soul
has been won
by you.
Although I
am sure
I will
have more
dark days,
there is
only a remnant
of darkness
in me.
Although I
still feel sadness,
there is
more joy
living again
inside me.
While I
may feel despair
from time
to time,
I know
that faith
will rise up
to fight
for me
and my life
in you
will continue
to grow strong.
Oh how
I love you,
Great Creator,
Master and Redeemer,
Lover of My Soul.

As always, Andrea