Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dear God,

Red. Blood red. Deep red, so deep you can never see the deepest part of it. That's what I saw in the stained glass window today. Red.

Yesterday I wept hard. Some days I cannot get my mind wrapped around my loss. I wish it had been so different. I tried so hard for so long but to no avail. Driving to mass this morning, I was thinking about my weeping sadness. But when I entered the dimly lighted sanctuary, dipped my fingers into the baptistery water making the sign of the cross on my body, I looked up and saw red.

What did red say to me? It spoke suffering love, Christ's. It told me just how much Jesus understands pain, sorrow and grief. It was so full of love, the unconditional kind, the one filled with grace. I let the red speak volumes to me. I breathed in compassionate comfort, kindness and tenderness. I saw you, Lord, in the red. I heard you speaking to me.

What I know is this: You come to us in an infinite number of ways. Never predictable, not always familiar, but always present. You choose the way. My ability to see is due to your gift to me to see even when I am blinded by life situations. You reach out. You are active, alive always seducing my spirit to see more, expect more, look more, reach for more. You remind me that our relationship is alive, a living relationship between two very interested parties. You never leave me alone. Even when I choose to sulk, to rebel, to grieve one more time about the very same things, to hang on to nasty bitterness, to despair, to pull the darkness around me, you call out my name. Andrea, Andrea, Andrea. When I don't have the energy to look up, you help me. You take my chin in your hand and you gently left it upwards until I am enabled to look into heaven's eyes. What I see is what I lack.

I cannot
turn away
from you,
my dear friend.
You are
always steadfast
and sure.
You speak
life-giving words.
My inward
parts change
when you
say the word.
My sorrowing
turns to dancing.
My darkness
turns to light.
My fear
turns to faith.
You are God;
there is
no other.

Love always, Andrea