Thursday, October 19, 2006

Dear God,

I tried to squeeze you in today. I couldn't write this morning because I had to leave the house at 6:00 a.m. I took my husband for minor surgery, then out to breakfast. Over omelettes and French toast, we talked about inviting some friends for an adventure. Picking apples, dinner at Gray's, and back home for cards and/or games. Most said yes.

That was the precipitous moment. I began cleaning the house. You know how long it's been since I've dusted, swept and cleaned? I'm embarrassed to say how long. I thought I would spruce up the areas where friends would be during the evening. I cleaned two bathrooms, the dining room, and one bedroom where they might want to put their coats.

It was all going along very well...until...someone woke up and wanted to move the mulch, plant the bulbs and clean the outside before anyone got here. Life's little irritations begin to emerge out of the carpet. Floating in the air from room to room. Little green gremlins scampering across the living room.

"I think we should move the plants in the living room..." One gremlin said to another." Egad! I thought I was going to go crazy. A simple outing was becoming a rocky road.

I decided to write. I walked downstairs, turned on the computer and clicked on the Internet. It didn't want to work. I tried it several times. (The time was ticking...tick, tick, tick.) It still wouldn't work. Final I was connected.

But then I couldn't get on the blogger site. I tried once, twice, three times. Four, five and six. That was when I heard the voice. "Look at yourself! Are you really ready to talk with God? Are you in any mood to listen and follow?" God asked. I hung my head. "You're right! I'm not." I answered God. I took a deep breath and waited, calming my spirit. And, of course, the next click took me right where I wanted to be. And my spirit was better prepared to write.

I wish I had an angel who lived with me full time, a divine being who would frequently say to me, "Stop. Calm down. Relax. Don't worry. Breathe! We can do this together." My load would be lightened. The light would penetrate my darkness. And I would remain in a state with God where we could converse easily without frustration.

It wasn't my husband's fault that I became irritated. He simply wanted to help. We just disagreed on what needed to be done. I knew I could get everything done if I worked like crazy until the last minute. But I knew my friends would prefer that I not work myself to death because they were coming to our home. Otherwise, they might not come.

I used to do that, working like crazy, making everything perfect, preparing to have people come to our home. But I have purposefully chosen not to continue that behavior. I do work hard. But I do not want to spend every moment of my day frenzied, anxious, worn out. And the fact that God and I spend time together helps give shape to my day, giving me balance and peace.

I need to stop and listen more often before I do something, say something. It only takes a few seconds to ask God for help, and a few seconds more to calm down and listen. And when I faithfully follow, I can enter into that union so holy that I can meet myself, see myself as I am, and allow God to change me.

And the green gremlins...well, that's for another time. Ultimately, it's all in God's hands, gremlins and all!

Never let me go,
I pray.
Never leave me on my own;
I need your wise counsel,
Heavenly Father.
Remind me again...
the Lord is my Shepherd.
I am a sheep,
a lamb,
needing to be corralled,
corrected,
loved,
and sent on my way,
your way.

Love, Andrea