Friday, March 30, 2007

Dearest God,

I exploded! I fired off a missile in my study!

I had been with people all week. The papers on my desk were growing higher and higher. I planned to work on them Thursday afternoon. I would shut my door and focus on filing, filling out forms, reading, making a few calls, straightening things up, then leaving for the day. Aah.

I had put off until Thursday making a simple phone call to my local phone service. I had some questions about my bill. Last December the company called me. They were merging with another company and things were changing. They offered me services and products at a bundling cost. Since I wanted high speed Internet, I agreed. In February they called to tell me they didn't have high speed in my area. My bill showed I was paying for it. And I continued to receive bills from two different accounts. So confusing which is why I put it off. But they would disconnect my service in 24 hours if I didn't take care of it. With A plus credit I needed to handle the small nuisance.

Two hours! Two hours! I was on the phone nearly two hours! Six persons! It is not yet resolved. It will require two more calls. The outburst occurred at 90 minutes into the conversation when they transferred me to the sixth person. I was so frustrated! I never swore; I never said ugly things (well, that might not be completely true); I did raise my voice. I did say they weren't running a very efficient office. I did tell them this was a simple problem requiring a simple answer. But each person told me they didn't handle a particular part. I was put on hold several times. I listened to some kind of pop music for a while, then classical while I was waiting. They should have put on some kind of meditative sound; it could have been helpful. The marketing people have some work to do (along with everybody else)!

I felt my body temperature surging during the call. I felt the heat rising. My pulse quickened. My head began to ache. And I blew! I decided (let's call that a spontaneous decision) not to have a stroke or heart attack over a phone company that couldn't get its act together. "And what are you seeing us for today?" The nurse would ask me. And I would reply, "My phone company has driven me crazy!"

Now, God, how do I handle the simple nuts and bolts of human living without blowing my top? How do I remain calm, making a witness, living peace into the world? I told the "customer care" people in the midst of my combustive behavior that I had been duped by the company. "I am a pastor." I told them. "I operate with a sense of integrity and ethics and I expect the same from their company." Can you believe it? I shared my vocation, then functioned like an angry bear. Oh, I lost that witness! Foolish woman!

So I return to my prior question. How do I live my witness daily in the torments of small irritations? Teach me.

Patience.
Pray for it
and what happens?
You go nuts.
I remember
Your son,
knocking over tables once.
For a holy reason.
Mine wasn't so holy.
I desire to follow your example
(peace, not felling tables).
Teach me,
Lord,
teach me
to follow you.
When my path leads me
to conflict,
teach me
to remember
your ways of peace.

Love, Andrea