Monday, April 23, 2007

Dear God,

I entered a new phase of my spiritual life. Always before I have carried with me a personal burden to retreat, some part of my self discordant with other parts. Perhaps a loss, a grief, a disappointment, anger or resentment. But this time it was different.

When I engaged in my Covenant Retreat two weeks ago, I felt a quiet calm in my soul. Yes, there was the troubling art card that drew me among many other beautiful cards...self-assured women beside water (living water I thought), confident women, beautiful women, one woman on each card. Colorful, full of life, and peace. The one card drew my attention to my sharp edge, another card with scissors reinforced it.

I did carry one unresolved issue. The art cards pointed that out to me. No, actually God raised the issue. I worked on it with my covenant group. With a better perspective I brought it with me to the women's retreat. On Saturday you raised the issue again. In my face I needed to address it. By grace only I wove the woman and her two brothers into the sacred weaving we were making. I didn't have to...yes, I did. But I wanted to. I wanted to weave them deeper in faith and love into my life. They are already in God's divine design.

By Sunday morning I felt free of the burden. In my prayers that night I named them as I always do and I did not feel that anger, bitterness, or resentment. I tested myself. I named the woman several times and I felt the calm of living water. I prayed today too and the same thing happened.

The test will be the living out. I do feel I have moved from a position I have held for some time. Forgiveness and grace are the next steps. Forgiveness and grace. The second hardest part. I want to forgive because I want a clean heart. I don't want to carry dark smudges on my soul. How can I feel at peace before God if I am carrying resentment and bitterness?

I know you have great power, dear God. I also know you give me the power to be transformed, to change myself. If I don't like the skin I am in, how can I feel good beside you? And so I have changed the look of my mind and soul. I like this look much better.

During a call yesterday someone said to me, "I told my husband he was treating me like _____ but I was not going to return evil for evil. I was still going to be nice to him, even though he is treating me poorly. 'My own change in attitude toward you will not change.'" She told him. I thought about her words as it pertained to my own situation. I realize this needs to be my modus operandi as well. I am going to wear this one and pray for strength.

It's Spring; new life is popping out all over the place. I hope my new life will show as well.

Your grace
is all I need.
Trusting in you
for a very difficult situation
is all I need
to heal, walk forward.
Perhaps my own healing
will lead to the healing
of others.
But I cannot stake my own healing
on the healing of others.
They will have to make
their own decision
about wholeness.
I have to leave
that up to you,
Great God.
My heart is grateful
for the sudden shift
in my own soul.

Love always, Andrea