Sunday, May 13, 2007

Dearest God,

A discombobulating day! I felt disjointed, disconnected. My brain and my body couldn't get together! My soul had the desire, but the rest of us couldn't put two ducks in a row.

Some days seem to be more difficult than others when I try to get it all together. I had two meetings on Saturday afternoon and evening. I worked on my sermon until 11:30 p.m. then I couldn't sleep. I probably only slept an hour of time in sequence.

Dear God, how might a day look if lived in your total will? How might my body, mind and spirit be altogether, doing exactly what you intended? Would life be perfect? Would I be still, content, happy knowing you and I were on the exact same page at the same time? Would my body be calm, unstressed, in perfect union with the rest of me? Would I know I was completely fulfilling your will?

I'm not interested in perfection. But I am vitally interested in doing your will. I want to live my days in union with you. I want to be the pendulum that swings with God, swinging back and forth in divine rhythm. I want to live with the still small voice that guides my attitudes, actions, emotions, and decisions. I want to live like you.

My day ended better than it began. My granddaughter wanted to spend the rest of the day after church and lunch with me. I told her I was worn out, that I had to take a nap. So we came home, put on the original Parent Trap video and slid into bed. I fell asleep immediately. I had given her the video as a birthday gift and she'd already seen it several times in the last few weeks, but she loves it so I knew she would be a happy camper. At some point in the movie she woke me up, "Grandma, I'm tired and my eyes are droopy." "Go to sleep, sweetheart, and we'll finish the movie when we wake up." We caught the last fifteen minutes of the movie when we woke up.

We spent the rest of the day in a serene setting, having a snack on the patio and reading books together. She read the left page and I read the right. We talked about important matters to a seven year old.

When I drove her to the funeral home parking lot where we would meet up with her dad, I remained in my pjs, still falling asleep as she read her book aloud. We hugged goodbye and I prayed I wouldn't fall asleep at the wheel before I got home.

O God,
some days
in my soul
are cloudy and overcast.
The grayness
colors everything around me.
I am tired,
weary, without energy.
I can't seem to find
my rudder.
When the fog rises
or gray clouds hang overhead,
help me not to be discouraged,
but to trust totally
in your care.
Make me
a true follower,
one who does not react to life,
but embraces God
in life.
This is my true desire.

Love always, Andrea