Monday, July 7, 2008

Dearest God,

You have taught me many lessons, one that there are some doors you can only walk through once or twice and never again. I once thought that when the door was opened that there could be limitless visits.

You lead me to the desert mountain in New Mexico in 2005. Surfing for a retreat center in New Mexico, you took me to Christ in the Desert. You gave me a renewal opportunity and I followed you into the desert. Living on the mountain for several days gave me a chance to let go of obstacles and barriers in my life. My task in the desert was the work of surrender. Two times I wandered there, I engaged in surrender. The third time I realize now was to open the door to others. And now I am being called to surrender once again. I can never return again to the mountain. My learnings on the desert mountain have shown me that a life of obedience is better than a life of limitless visits to places I love.

A visit to my doctor with concerns shut the door on my future pilgrimages to the mountain. I can't return. I felt sad as I sat in his office. I came to more fully accept the delicacy of my health.

As I drove home, I felt heavy, my heart sinking. And then you spoke to me of obedience, of trust, of listening and acting upon your will. You have told me time and time again that life is not about doing whatever you want, but rather waiting and listening and following your lead, being purposeful about life, intentional, living the life of faith in the midst of every situation and condition. It is knowing that you have a purpose for each person and accepting the challenge.
Some of us open doors, others lead people through the experience while others reap the benefits of joy in participating in the lives of those around them.

Clearly I am a door opener. That is my life's purpose. I have been made to open doors of faith to others. I open the door to God, to ways of the Spirit, to a higher level of life, to the wonders awe and majesty of God. You have designed me to open doors for you. And although I open a door, more often than before will not go through the door to join those whose doors I have opened.

On my third visit to the mountain that I love, when I left the others behind whom I had brought to the mountain, I felt the sense that it was right for me to leave after just one night. I did not have to be present to enjoy their spiritual pilgrimage, to watch their AHA moments, to take them by the hand. That was the work of others, not me. I could not then and not now open doors, take seekers by the hand, walk with them, guiding them along the way. I had to let that go and not hinder someone else from doing their spiritual work.

My plans to lead others to the mountain, to lead retreats in New Mexico, to soar to greater heights in the spirit in that enchanted, mystical land have been changed because you have changed them. I thought you had opened the door to me allowing me to lead others there and I will. I just won't be present because that is your will for me.

Learning to step aside, to wait instead of jumping ahead, to listen instead of talking has been sometimes painful, a loss to be sure, but when I am willing to sit quietly in your presence, to learn from you, to do as you ask, I find the Spirit so much sweeter.

In the quiet moments of this writing, I know my blessings. I have wandered in the Spirit for 61 years starting I can remember very early in my life. You have lead me to spiritual heights I could never have climbed alone. You have shown me signs of the divine. You have placed my feet on holy ground. You have walked me to people who have spoken your word to me, the Carmelites, the saints, a godly grandmother, and so many others. You put a song in my heart a long time ago and I sing it every time I follow you in adoration. What more could I want?

Beloved God,
at your feet
I learn humility.
I learn
the ways
of truth
and obedience.
I learn
that love
shows its face
in so many ways.
I learn
that to listen
is always better
than to talk
with you.
I learn
that your ways
are different
than mine,
but I want
my ways
to be more
your ways.
You are
the love
of my life.
At your feet,
I wait.

Love, Andrea