Sunday, October 19, 2008

Dear God,

I have come through a time of growth. I am learning the meaning of detachment. Detachment to certain outcomes, detachment to particular material goods, detachment to relationships that appear one sided.

Throughout my life I have felt particular attachments to people, places, things. I have found comfort in these, in fact a security in them. My life seemed better because these symbols were always present, if only in my mind. I traveled my life's journey carrying them with me because I felt safe and full. I felt a kind of belonging.

However, in my recent "travels" I have learned that attachments to particular outcomes, to ways of relating, what I need versus what I want, and to things that have become important to me have lead me down paths of loneliness, disappointment and loss. My feelings of security have been shaken because I placed my trust in these.

The "loosening" process has been a painful one, yet necessary to my future. I have had to release, let go, surrender and by doing so, I have found yet a better way. I have learned my own courage and strength. I have met your will more often than my own. I have learned that security comes when trust in you is greater. When I lean toward you rather than people, places and things with certain hoped-for-outcomes, my life becomes more simple, more peaceful and fulfilling. My expectations change and I find a kind of peace never before experienced. I find my own self.

I have found a new kind of freedom, one that is present even in relationships. When I learned to let go of unrealistic expectations, I found a freedom to enjoy life as it comes. When I surrendered my attachments to certain things, I realize now I never really NEEDED them. I thought I needed them but I don't. Letting go of things I have accumulated over time have allowed me a new place to live within. Like spring cleaning, I have swept away those things I thought I needed in order to be happy, safe or fulfilled.

Such learnings have come as I have sat impatiently at your feet. My trials and tribulations, my faulty thinking and my spiritual awakening have shown me a better way. True joy is found within one's own soul. No one else can give you that kind of joy. You have to find it within yourself. No thing, nothing can make you feel full. Fullness comes in a rich, meaningful life with you. Expectations, however small, can hold you captive to a life of loneliness. Letting them go releases the whole person from a half-empty cup mentality. And the process of learning is one where there is no attachment to a particular outcome. What comes can be life-giving. It has been for me.

I owe you
my life,
dear God.
Your teaching
reminds me
of my dependency,
my chosen dependency
upon you.
Holding on
to that which
robs the soul
of freedom,
is a road
toward death.
Learning
to let go
while reaching out
is your way
of healing.
My backpack
is full.
I poured out
what I was carrying
in burdens
to make room
for you.
I am blessed.

Yours forever, Andrea