Saturday, January 17, 2009

Dearest God,

I sat down on a divan at the department store when I got a call from the Abbey. I was put on hold. In my left ear I was listening to some jazz rendition of a familiar 60's song. In my right ear I heard the monks singing Gregorian Chant. For a couple of minutes I was very aware of the two diverse worlds. One lived outside, the other inside. One where the spirit is the priority, the other a dramatic secular individualism. One where peace and solitude rule the day, the other busy chaos. One brought images of people shopping for things they really didn't need (including me), the other of simplicity, worship, prayer, silence and simple work. One brought joy and quiet, the other a feeling of loneliness.

I am drawn to the monastic life. However, I live on the outside. I often feel burdened down with responsibility for my flock. I concern myself about their physical, emotional and spiritual well being. I think about the church and its ability to be forward thinking and financially stable. I think of family and my own health. These last few months before retirement are very important; I want to do my very best to prepare a wonderful environment for the next pastor to step into. I want to hear beautiful stories of the church taking off and doing great things. I will know I had a teeny part to play.

The sound of the monks singing was truly music to my ears. My whole being quieted, my hope returned, and I felt at one with you. Some might believe I am running away from something, wanting to escape. But the opposite is true. I am running toward something...a more intentional life with God. Yes, I am living a life with God, some days good and some not so good. I love walking with you through life. But I long to spend more time in quiet solitude. I enjoy tranquility and serenity. As my own spirit quiets down and I unite with you on some level, I truly am at peace. My inner being is happy. I feel a deep down joy.

Several times I wondered if I could live a monastic life full time, joining a community where I lived out my life inside. As much as I imagined the joy of living the monastic life, I could not see myself living life inside the walls of a monastery. I felt conflicted.

And so I live in my two worlds, the one outside and the one in. Although I like my black suit I bought at the department store for funerals and other occasions, I like silence, quiet, meditation and prayer better. One will make me look nice, the other will restore my soul.

I reach
for you,
Living God.
In the midst
of every day living,
I want more
of you.
I want
my inner spirit
to cleanse
my soul
of every
unwanted feeling
and thought.
I want
to live
life beautifully,
to be
a testimony
to your thoughtfulness
and faithfulness,
to your love.
But I live
in two worlds,
Lord;
merge them together
that I may be
the best
I can be
in both,
always glorifying
your name.

Love, Andrea