Sunday, January 4, 2009

Dearest God,

I awakened in the night feeling sad. As my mind wandered through recent events, I felt angry. I went over and over events and the more angry I became, the sadder I was. Then I said, "Dear God, help me." But the hurts continued to roll over in my head. "Dear God..." I said. Until finally every time a thought came to my mind, I automatically said, "Dear God." Then I came to the place where I was only saying, "Dear God, dear God, dear God, dear God." I wanted my thoughts to come under your domain. I wanted to stop them realizing that nothing can be done by events that have already happened except to hash them over in my mind feeling the emotions of sadness and anger. I fell asleep saying, "Dear God, dear God, dear God."

I learned a lesson that coming to you, speaking to you rather than giving in to my lower thoughts that are dead end is a method out of sadness. It is a way to trust, to divert my thinking to higher thoughts, to reaching out for you, taking your hand, trusting. I give my hurts and disappointments to you rather than be consumed by them. Not only did I crawl out of the hole temporarily, I felt closer to you. I trusted more. I believed more in myself. I felt more at peace.

Learning to trust you more makes my life better and I am sure I am better in the world around me. I have more to contribute. I am more pleasing to be around. No one wants to be around a depressed, angry person especially when they can nothing much to help. Learning to trust, learning to trust you is a great goal of mine. I want my every minute to be a case for prayer, for leaning in, for trusting. Those things for which I can do nothing I need to surrender, to let go, to release them in order to free myself for hope, peace and comfort.

Dear God,
words from
your own mouth
to a hurting daughter.
You speak
my prayer
giving me
a way
to you.
You love me
showing me
I am not alone.
You hold me,
embracing all
of me,
my warts and flaws,
my imperfections
and painful truths.
You whisper
as if I were
a baby
in your arms.
You comfort me
with compassionate mercy.
I breathe in
your spirit
having found
a respite
from my suffering.
My hearts wells
with love
and appreciation
for you.
Thank you
for rescuing me
from myself.

Love, Andrea