Friday, February 6, 2009

Dearest God,

My life has been bared before you. The truths, the sorrows, disappointments, losses and failures have all been opened to you. There is nothing you do not know.

I sat in the sanctuary alone at 3:00 a.m. Tears collecting in my eyes, I whispered nothing more than what I have said every day since I came, "O God, O God, O God." Nothing else seemed to come. What more is there to say? You know it all. I could not pray for this or that. I just sat at your feet, "O God, O God, O God." I waited for you to speak. I didn't need to tell you anything more. We've already been through all of that.

As my eyes were fixed on the lone light shining, I continued, "O God, you have been my dwelling place. You have blessed me beyond measure, even me. I just want to say thank you. My time has all been grace." I allowed the tears to spill from my eyes because I realized my great blessing.

This morning as I ate breakfast the music played in the dining area. I sat like everyone else at tables with chairs on just one side all situated to look out the windows at the rolling hills of Kentucky. I had heard this same music at breakfast all week. I loved the tune. Now the words spoke to my heart. I remembered how we had sang at early morning vigil. "O Lord, open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise."

I listened as the woman sang, "...your light shining on me, Jesus, the glorified." I looked at my reflection in the glass for it was still dark outside. I could see myself, tears trickling down my face, your glory was on my face because I was indeed declaring your praise. She sang the next song, "I won't dance unless you lead me and when you lead me in the dance I will leap for joy." I don't have the energy to leap but I did feel joy in my heart.

When I came I was broken in so many pieces like the thousands of twigs, branches and limbs broken here during the tragic ice storm. There were not enough pieces together to say more than, "O God." During these days like the friends and neighbors of the monks, I begin to pick up the pieces, realizing that the pieces were rearranged. They will never look the same. As hard as I might try, broken pieces never go back together the same. It is impossible. They no longer fit. I had to allow them to mold and meld together as you saw fit. And although I wept in the process of transformation, I had to acknowledge that this is my self, the one I will carry into my future.

You have given me a vision of the future. On one hand I feel blessed at the possibility. On the other hand I feel a deep sadness because I will have to leave parts of my past behind. Surrender seems always to be on my heels. And yet, I have learned that surrender paves the way for the new thing you want to create in myself and in others.

Although I made one last trek to the sanctuary for terce, allowing my tears to flow, bowing before the altar and throwing a kiss to Mother Mary, I knew it was time to go home.

Lead me,
guide me,
my bidding mantra
is my prayer
to you.
I won't dance
unless you lead.
I won't sing
unless you lead.
I won't...
unless you lead
and guide me.
What is life really
if it is not guided
by you?
It is
but one
more life.
I was made
by you,
tended all along
the way.
Why would
I want
to enter
the winter
of my life
without your guidance?
O God,
I bow
to you,
Great Lover
of Life.
You always
know best.
Your word
is always
the right word.
And the truth,
it does set
one free,
albeit however painful.

My love and gratitude to you forever, Andrea