Thursday, February 12, 2009

Dear God,

I went to bed very tired. In the early morning hours I had a dream. People were in my home. I had to lead a study but I had left my book upstairs. I also needed to put on a dress to look nice. But I was so weak that I had to crawl up the steps. I had to crawl across the floor to find my book and my dress. I sat up to put on my dress. I crawled back downstairs realizing that people were waiting. Then I realized I had left the book upstairs. I was so weak and tired I could hardly crawl back upstairs and back down. Then I heard the crowd leaving. They weren't angry. It was just time to go. I sat down on the floor upstairs.

I woke up exhausted, weary, with little energy. I wondered if something had happened to me in the night or if I was affected by the dream. I lay there until after 6:00 a.m. pondering.

How often I am reminded that life is about trust. I do not know one minute from the next what will happen to me or to the world. The next minutes of my life may be planned but that doesn't mean the plan will run its course. I could live afraid, frightened by what may come or I can trust and get moving.

I have given my life to your hands. You had it in the beginning but then I had a choice to take it into my own hands. I wanted to give it back, to form a partnership, one where you reigned supreme and I was desirous of following, of conversing, of serving, of making life better where I could for others.

I don't have the strength I once had. I used to do cleaning marathons, to do so many things in one day. I kept myself extremely busy. But then something happened. My health took a shift and I couldn't do what I used to do.

This sudden change in my health has caused me to rethink how much control I have over my life. I am not a limp rag to be sure; however, I don't have earth's control panel in my hands either. I plan my day and orchestrate it the best I can. Lead me, guide me I ask you, lead me, guide me.

So much of life is up in the air. And so much of me is lying on the floor too tired to put on my dress and lead a study. What makes me get up in the morning is trust. What keeps me going all day is trust. What puts me to bed at night is trust. And when I am at my loneliest, I trust. When I fear, eventually I breathe in trust. Trust is the foundation of my life and that trust is you.

Every morning
I decide
to trust you
throughout the day.
I begin
with prayer,
an earnest attempt
to take hold
of your hand,
to let you
lead me
and guide me.
I want
to trust you
before I act
to love you.
Thank you
for the constancy
of your trust.

Love always, Andrea