Saturday, March 14, 2009

Dear God,

I've been looking for a line, a word, a beginning, a way to reconnect with someone and your word came just moments ago. Truth, I am sure, is the way to start.

To hold a relationship so close to my heart and then lose it is very painful. It devastates my soul because there is a permanent etching of the person on my heart. When it is lost, a wound exists where the tracings of the etching remain.

I have never been able to let go, to surrender very easily. It takes me a long, long time to release someone. If I have been injured by another, I feel the tentacles of resentment especially if the person was someone I loved very much. When I feel the pain of such loss, I replay the tortured moments in my mind, over and over again. Like a sad instant replay. And I hurt like the first time.

I explore my soul trying to figure out what I did wrong. Surely I must have done something, I tell myself as a way to understand. Often I will find something but sometimes there is nothing. These moments are especially painful. Sometimes I want to retaliate.

But you have brought someone to mind and now is the time to come together if only for one last time. You have made it clear to me that this is your desire. And I know if I do not follow through, my soul will remain restless.

Work on me,
Lord,
work on me.
Whisper to me
your desires
for my life.
Teach me
your way.
Make your desire
my own.

Love, Andrea