Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Dear God,

It seems there are mini crises all around me. A woman from a former church feels I could help her husband in a difficult time. A mother whose child is in trouble wants me to meet with her. A stranger who knows someone I know wants me to officiate at her child's wedding. Someone else is facing a dreadful disease. A husband wants me to talk to his wife. Some days I want to close my door and turn over my shingle. How can I possibly muster up the courage to do what I need to do?

Some days I'm not sure there's enough air to breathe. Or energy enough to open my mouth to speak. Some days...

I am learning how to say no. Not to be ugly or mean, but to say I simply can't do what they say they need of me. I cannot give all of myself away. I won't have enough left to take care of myself. Oh yes, I know there is a fine line between giving myself to others and caring for myself. How much do I give away? How much is enough? When is it appropriate to say I'm sorry I just can't do it? Sometimes people are desperate and their desperation wants to push me beyond my limits, my ability to help others. In those moments I often cave and then I am so weary.

O God, only you know what is needed of me. And I have to fall at your feet to find my answers. I am not God. I am not a miracle worker. I cannot change people. I cannot make people be something they do not want to be. I can't make someone love someone else.

At your feet,
Lord,
at your feet,
I fall.
I cannot move
without you.
I cannot speak
without you.
I cannot act
without you.
Lead me,
Good Lord,
lead me,
I plead.

Love, Andrea