Sunday, March 15, 2009

Dear God,

Today we announced the name of the new pastor who is coming to replace me in July. I clapped after the announcement. A new day is coming.

There are moments when I look back. This has been a pastorate full of experiences. Good, bad, crazy, inspiring, sad, fruitful are some of the adjectives I would use to describe my time here. I have learned from what I have done and what I have failed to do. Sometimes I think of people who have left; I wonder what I could have done differently.

There have been some particularly painful moments. Yet, what I have discovered in my life is that painful moments drive me to my knees. In those moments I feel I am in the company of one. I feel lonely, sad and sometimes distraught. The lonelier I am, the sadder I become, the more distraught I am, the more I find I need you. And the more I realize I need you and give myself over to you in pleading prayer, the greater is my opportunity for growth.

I have grown more in the last 15 years of my life than in the first many years. I have discovered my value is tied up in my relationship with you. When I am arrogant believing myself to be god or at least acting that way sometimes, my value decreases. I discover my own unworthiness. When I allow pride to run my life, I lose ground in my own development. My greatest value is when I turn my life over to you, when I ask for your help, when I step aside and let you lead the dance, when I fall at your feet in shame, when I pray "lead me not into temptation".

The beauty of my life has been when you have turned my lemons into lemonade, when you have taken what I have broken and you mend it, when I have surrendered and you have taken my pitiful excuses and transformed them into a new way of being, when you have one more time reshaped, renewed, and restored my life knowing how high maintenance I really am.

Yes, I'm looking back wondering about the effectiveness of my ministry. Have I been faithful? Have I loved enough? Have I given what I could, should? Have I lead under your guidance? Have I fulfilled your purpose?

I'm reflecting and remembering.

Wondrous God,
Great and Loving Potter,
Living Spirit,
Redeeming God,
today I sit
at your feet
reflecting,
wondering,
pondering,
opening myself
to you.

Love, Andrea