Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Dearest God,

Does someone have to own their mistakes before someone else forgives them? What if the person doesn't think they have done anything wrong? What then?

A name came to me today in a strange sort of way. Can I forgive? Do I want to? I have been angry, hurt really for a long time. I really don't think the other person cares or if they do, they have a very strange way of showing it.

I imagined in my own mind retiring and putting the past behind me. My last year has not turned out the way I had envisioned it. Nothing is the same. I have lost a great deal. I thought I would gain in this last year. I don't know why. I guess I fantasized how I thought it might be. Whose vision was it? Mine, God's, whose?

For months I've been burdened down. Some days it has been extremely difficult to get up and get going. And some of those days I trusted you alone to make it through the day. And when I trusted you, I was able to move on and move forward.

As the song goes, "My heart is restless until it rests in thee." I think it is true. I still carry an ache in my heart and a lack of understanding in my head. Together they make for a sad state of affairs. How can my heart be open if I keep it closed? How can I trust if I close off all the entrances to my soul?

I've been hurt a great deal this year. And I have carried the burdens, the heavy burdens. Some days I just wanted my retirement to be finished and done. That way I didn't have to look back. I could honestly say I did what I could with the light you have given me. Yet, there is still that nagging in my soul. Have I really? How willing am I to be faithful to my call as a minister, as a friend? What do I hope to accomplish? And whose plan am I following? Mine or yours?

Is my life a witness or not? Is my faith real, authentic? Is it large enough to carry me in the work of forgiveness? Or do I want to turn away and carry the burden for the rest of time?

I hear
your voice
and
I have
to admit
I don't like
hearing what
it has
to say
to me.
Yet,
I know
I do not know
the future.
Only you know
the future.
O Lord,
God of All,
make my
simple heart
a heart
of love
once again.
Help me
trust you
in all things.
I know
the ache
of unforgiveness;
teach me
your way,
dear God,
teach me
your way.

Love, Andrea