Monday, June 29, 2009

Dearest God,

I handed over my keys, leaving parish ministry behind. A lifetime, well just 21 years, of service, caring for people, leading them to open doors of faith, praying, preaching, counselling, walking beside, affirming, acknowledging, challenging people. Ups and downs, pain and celebration, blessing and curse, I've experienced it all. I gave back my keys.

A simple call in 1972 lead me to this servant ministry that I have now left behind. It feels right and good. I am tired, exhausted; yet, I feel fulfilled to have lived a servant life.

In the end I wonder how much of my life I have really served you, loved and followed you. On any day, an hour or two, a few minutes, an afternoon or evening. How many minutes did I really serve out of love for you? How much was my own work, following my own heart and mind? How faithful have I really been? Was I really a servant, one who follows the Master?

Only after walking away, retiring can one really look back and reflect. My heart's desire from the beginning as early as five years old has been to be faithful. How faithful have I been, Lord? How much of my heart did I really give during those years? How many times did I function to love you more than myself? Others before myself?

I am sure it is, after all, a matter of the heart. Has my heart beat in rhythm with you? Have I ever fully given myself to you to use in your service? Only you know, Lord, only you.

I said yes,
Lord,
I said yes
to you.
I said yes,
I will
do it,
I will serve.
But how much
of myself
have I given
to you?
How much
have I loved?
How well
have I served?
How faithful
have I been?
Only you know,
O Lord,
only you.

Love, Andrea