Saturday, July 4, 2009

My dearest God,

This morning I danced in the misty fog. The song, My Faith Looks Up to Thee, came to me as I took my place at the water's edge. I lifted my arms knowing my faith is the essence of my life. Why would I wish to draw a breath without it? Just as I am, There’s Just Something about that Name came as I danced, lifting every portion of my being to God on High. I have often wondered if I dance for you or if you lead the dance giving me the opportunity to dance with you. Either way joy erupts from my soul as I live and move and have my being in you.

My movements are fluid, forthcoming, nothing held back. I dance because I must. I feel the freedom of my soul as I have this opportunity to be most like myself. Nothing hinders me, no inhibition, no sorrow, anger, resentment, bitterness. In these prized, precious moments I truly am one with you. Nothing stands between us, neither my imperfections or flaws, nor my wrongdoings or doubts. Everything is erased as I allow myself to move to the tune of your spirit.

Why is it, O Lord? Why is it that you love so much, are so faithful even to the least of these? How can you love so much one with so little faith at times? When I forget who I am, when I fall into dark despair sometimes overcome by my loss, when I lack so much in faith, trust and hope, you still present yourself to me. And again I am overwhelmed by such agape love. In the face of such grace, I bow down, humbling myself with tears for my lackings. Forgive me, Lord, forgive me.

In my anger, hurt, and disappointment, sometimes I want to dissolve like a sugar cube dropped into boiling hot tea. I want to dissipate into the air. What is my value, my worth? I ask myself. When I have left that question to the one I have loved most in the world, it seems my value is teeny tiny, not worthy of discussion. Yet, at the same time your loving presence has been revealed to me and I realize again that my worth is not judged or predetermined by someone else. Ultimately it comes from you. Your word makes me worthy of love, not because I deserve it but because you love.

In the compassionate mercy you offer I breathe in this air of love. I know who I am when I take hold of the only hand that extends itself continuously. I claim my existence in you because you are my maker. You have held my clay in your hands. You have moulded and shaped, reshaped and remade me again and again. In your hands I feel the warmth of your embrace. The movement of change is sometimes painful and yet how good it is to be created anew. I am never the same. The adjustments, shifts and retooling are done with great love.

Forgive my forgetfulness,
I pray.
Lead me
into your arms,
Most Wondrous Creator.
Lead me
back home
where I am
reminded whose I am.
Teach me
the way of trust
where I do not rely
on this world’s voice
to tell me
who I am.
You are God
and you alone.
You spoke a word
and the world
came into being
And so did I.

Loving you, Andrea