Friday, November 20, 2009

My dearest God,

I do not understand; I simply do not understand.

During my stay at the desert mountain monastery, I have immersed myself in the psalms both in the chanting in the daily office several times a day and also in my personal reading. I have always looked to the psalms as a source of solace, refuge and comfort. And they are. However, I have been troubled as I have read them through as a whole collection. The writer/s frequently points out the sin of the "enemy", whoever the enemy is, ie other nations, an individual, a friend turned away. Not only is the sin made glaring but the writer asks for the destruction, the torment, the eradication of the enemy, his family, his possessions, everything. Is that really the answer?

In my silence while I read and heard these diatribes about the enemy, I realized something very important. I am tomorrow's enemy, tomorrow's sinner and evildoer. When I ask for the destruction of my enemy, or my neighbor, then I am also inviting my own destruction. Everything that is said about the enemy can most generally be said about me. I am flawed; I fail to be obedient, to follow you. I hurt others; I want my own way.

When I ask for protection, like the psalmist, sometimes without knowing it I am requesting protection from my own self. When I seek the way of the world, when I refuse to listen to you, to be watchful of my thoughts and actions, and to silence my tongue when I want to strike out against those who have harmed me, I am no different than my enemy. I forget that my enemy is made from the same fabric as I. We are part and parcel of one another. To tear away my enemy is tear away a part of the fabric that is me. Nothing is beautiful anymore because we are more together than apart. If I rid myself of my enemy today and a part of the fabric is torn, then what about tomorrow's enemy and the next day? What will happen to the fabric then? What will be left to celebrate?

The enemy is me. My salvation comes when I pray for my enemy and my enemy prays for me. Together we create an exquisite fabric from which your glory can shine.

My enemy
and I
are one.
Teach me
the way
of rising
to the
highest calling.
My enemy
and I
need to bow
at the altar
to pray
for one another.
We both
need redemption,
salvation not only
from our sin
but from ourselves.
You are
the Mighty God,
the only one
powerful enough
to change
and transform humanity.
Help me
to love
my enemy
because in loving
my enemy,
I better learn
to love myself.

Love always, Andrea